Ok. This is going to be an emotional post. Call it PMSing. Whatever. If you're not in the mood, don't read. If you read it, don't judge.
You have been forewarned!
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It's hard telling myself not to be sensitive, not to take things personally but my mind and heart refuses to cooperate. Inwardly, I hurt and I feel the sadness.
A few friends don't text first. I do. All movies and musical outings with colleagues are initiated by me. I am tired being the first person to always initiate. It would be nice if some one else organises something or invites me first every once in awhile. With another friend, it's her partner and siblings first. So, I am guessing I am the "filler" when they are busy or that's how I am made to feel.
I am not looking to be a person's only friend, only confidante. But it would be SO nice to feel like I matter, that my company is craved and not just be an "afterthought". That I am fun to be with.
Maybe this is my own thoughts and perspective of things and maybe it isn't how the situation really is. Whatever it may be, I am tired. I am weary. I am in my Eeyore phase and I have been for awhile now, if anyone cared enough to notice. I am tired of being nice, of being the bigger person.
I want to be like some people I know and not care so much, or at all. But that's just not how I am wired, unfortunately.
Sometimes I wished I wasn't me and if I wasn't me, who would I be?
Sometimes, I wonder who am I?
Sometimes, I longed to know my destiny, the reason I am here.
Sometimes, I wonder, am I expecting too much?
Sometimes, people shouldn't say, "miss you" or "you're my best friend" but their actions don't measure up.
Sometimes, I can seem cheery and bubbly but inside, I am human, just like you - I feel, I feel and I feel.
