My week in words

I thought with the hubby missing in action, I could go gallivanting after work or weekend. But nope... after Moomba Festival on Saturday in the city with YC, I was a goner for the rest of the week.

Fri night
Picked up a friend from Glen Waverley train station. Had dinner at Papa Rich. Had long chats. Went home after a couple of hours. Had more looooong girly chats. Slept late.

Sat 
Woke up. Throat was ticklish. Took the train to the city. Had brunch at 1000 Pound Bend 'cos the queue at Harward Societe was just insane. Parted ways with my friend. Traipsed about Melbourne Central. Throat started to hurt. Had bubble tea. Fixed my wonky Sammie 2.

Met up YC and later on his friend. Walked to Federation Square and along the river. Moomba Festival was alright but would have been more entertaining if one played the games and be part of the event. Bask in the sun. Drank frozen coke. Thirst still not quench. Heat was insane. Head started to hurt. Throat was killing me.

Had dinner at Sambal Kampung and my Brissie friend joined us. YC dropped us off at Glen Waverley where my car was parked. Drove home. Bathed. Said 'nite' to my friend and died in my bed.

The head kept me up. Did not have a deep, healing sleep. Throat was dry and hot despite gulping gallons of water.

I was already infected. Smart.

Sun
Throat was on fire. Head was on fire. But I had to take my Brissie friend for lunch and drop her off at the train station so she could catch a ride to the airport to catch her plane back to the sunny state. I went home and slept.

All I had was neurofen. Helped a bit but that was it.
Washed clothes. Made porridge. Burnt the bottom and ate the top.

Bathed. Then, I slept and slept.

Mon
Throat was in pain. Head was pounding. Back was aching. Miserable. Alone to fend for myself. Slept some more. Slept and slept and slept. Or at least I tried to. In the heat. Showered and back to bed.

Tues
Went to work. Was asked to go home. Not sure out of concern for my health or other fellow worker's future health. Lols. Prolly both. My cough was insanely phlegmy. All stuck in my throat stubbornly refusing to dislodge.

Drove home. On the way, stopped by the pharmacy and got some cold & flu meds along with cough syrup. Had the expected dosage and slept. Felt so much better. Weather was cooler despite previous weather forecast.

Slept and slept like a Snow White & Cinderella. Only, my dry throat, incessant drinking of water and the need to go to the loo woke me up. Not my Prince Charming, unfortunately. Then again, wouldn't want to spread my germs to him.

Wed
Woke up. Had my meds. Went back to bed.
Noon time. Woke up. Had biscuit and tea. Then, my meds. Shower and back to bed.
Watched My Kitchen Rules. Had my meds then sleep and sleep.

Thurs

Woke up. Had my meds. Went back to bed.

Noon time. Woke up. Had biscuit and tea. Then, my meds. Shower and back to bed.

Watched My Kitchen Rules. Had my meds then slept and slept.

Pretty tedious right?

Fri

Woke up. Showered. Had some food, meds.

Did some work and emailed it off to my Director. Surf the net a bit.

And now, here I am, wondering what to do? What to eat? Where to go.

Brain says I shouldn't go out and infect other people. Overdue library books says otherwise. Sick of water, honey and bland food. Not that I can taste much with all this mucus clogging up my senses. Hmmm... and no one to call to hang out. Sad eh.

Guess library it is then home.

Be strong and forge on

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little perk me ups

On crabby, gloomy days, everyone needs some perk me ups. 

If you have thoughtful, loving friends and family nearby to shower you with awesomeness to shoo those gloom away... 

Good on you. 

For people like me who am away from loved ones (or people just forget about), this is how I brighten up my day. 

Hope it brings a smile onto your face. Even if it is for awhile. :)

 

OSIM

It is going to be a busy, busy day. The new semester is starting tomorrow and enrollment day is today. I'll probably make it home alive. Barely, perhaps. 

May everyone of you have a beautiful Monday despite it being a Monday, the beginning of yet another working week. :)

Btw, for those who are cluless, OSIM is the acronym for Oh Shoot It's Monday!!

TGIF

Whee... it's the end of the working week, signalling the start of the weekend! What are your plans for a Friday night? Movie? Dinner with friends?? Or perhaps a cozy romantic night with ones partner? 

Mine isn't going to be anything fancy nor romantic, I reckon.

Prolly go for a swim and have dinner back home, unless I am able to convince Mr. C to detour to India Delights or Rich Maha! *salivating at the thought of spicy flavoursome curry*

Although I did my jig and jump for happiness yesterday, Thank God It's Friday!!

HAPPY FRIDAY everyone.. :)

PMS cure and Tim Tam Slam

If you're here for a happy, chirpy, inspiring post, I am sorry to have to disappoint you. My current life theme.

You see, it's that oh-so-wonderful time of the month where my emotions decide to play havoc with me and takes me for roller coaster rides... emotionally. It really makes digesting bad news even harder.

Let me tell you this- PMS isn't funny and PMS isn't sweet. In fact, it makes me petty and such a twit! It definitely ain't fun'cos it makes me feel dumb.

Like any sickness or disease, the symptoms will present itself first. In this PMS case of mine, I'll have mood swings (this time, it's generally weepy, pessimistic thoughts and melancholia) and feel fat and bloatish meaning I'll feel fugly and get upset over that and the cycle runs its vicious course.

But to most sickness, there is a cure. If not, a search for that holy grail to end whatever ailment is pursued.

Today, I did two Tim Tam Slam!

My cure for PMS?? Chocolates. Lots and lots of them.

Well, it worked for me yesterday.

10 thoughts for the week

Thoughts swirling in my mind off late.

#1 It's already July and am still jobless (in a paying sense).

#2 Will I find a church to settle in? I want to know God more but I don't know how.

#3 Perpetual feeling of living in a television series. At least watching series, I get the jokes and storyline.

#4 I miss company back home and everything familiar.

#5 I think, I am not that great or nice a person. If I am, where's my friends?

#6 I am meant to be a stay home bum 'cos I miss my sleep in days and especially when everyday was weekends to me with no worries about work and I could bake, read books, blog and surf the net.

#7 Why do my ideas for blogging only kick in at night just when I am about to nod off to sleep??!

#8 I am a fatty and have been for the longest times. No one to blame but myself especially when I succumb to chocolates and chips. :(

#9 Why do I struggle so much to wake up in the morning? and If I know I need my sleep, why do I sleep so late at night?

#10 Why can't I come up with creative and inspiring ideas?

The upset me of today

That's rather true.. I'll be bruised.

I want to but I don't know how to, makes sense?

  

 

Sometimes, good intentions are redundant when no one sees it

All these sayings and quotes are what I should tell myself every single day. Especially on days I feel this way, right now. Have you ever tell yourself you're going to change and you really do try to but somehow, nothing changes? 

Well, that's been me for this past week. Heck, maybe for the past 6 months!! I've been struggling and struggling and struggling and its eating into me. Someone said that she'll come and help but she's come and gone and nothing's changed.

I KNOW I have to change. I tell myself I HAVE to change. That things have to change. But everything is pretty much the same as before, only worst. Well, in my opinion that is.

Don't you hate it when this happen? You tell yourself.. ok, tomorrow is a new day, I'll do better. But when the day comes, you repeat the same mistakes or struggle to stay true to your word. It frustrates me to the core... it upsets me. It erodes what little confidence I have left in myself. Even the simplest thing, I doubt my capability to see it through.

Just a simple thing and I can't even do it. And that one thing leads to another, and before you know it, it's a mountainous of things not done that should've been done ages back. 

Everyone's moving on with their lives. People my age, my ex-colleagues are mostly now at management position. They go travelling, have cars, houses, babies and most people seem to have a support group.. people to call  their very own people. 

I was part of those people's journey so, why do I feel like I was never there in the first place? Why do I  care so bloody much, investing myself when nobody seems to care? Why do I bother the extra mile when no one gives a fig? Most times, it feels like a superheroes' powers; a gift and yet a curse, only in my case, it's not a super power.

But I just got to tell myself that...

 

 

And it's true, I should sleep less. I LOVE my sleep. Mr. C is amazed at the amount of hours I can sleep. Now that I am working part time, I miss my sleep. I miss my 'bumming' days. I miss my stay home days. But perhaps, inactivity is bad. 

There really is so much to do but this past few months, I seem to have lost my mojo to blog/write and even taking pictures. I hardly ever take pictures unless I am using my Sammie2. Even then, the poor quality frustrates me. Things I used to love, I seem to have fallen out of love for them.

Maybe it's depression.. or patheticness or whatever you want to call it. Whatever it may be, there's no one to deal with it but myself. It's true, nobody really gives a rat ass if you're  miserable. And if they do, I don't hear or see them. 

At the end of the day, it's always to say and think about all these beautiful quotes but to really live them? Now, that's a worthy challenge. But with the simplest thing I fail to even muster the strength to do, I can only pray and ask for divine intervention. 

When the day ends and the months lead to years, there is so much a person can do on their very own strength. And if we rely on our self, there will be a breaking point. It's just a matter of when. 

Despite my unfaithfulness, God is every faithful. Despite my questionings and whinging, God's still there, watching over me. I want what I want but I admit, I don't put the effort required to have it. And it's still an ongoing struggle to put my trust in Him, to continually walk and talk to Him. 

Maybe that's why, things happen. They happen for many reasons if not, just one. It's what we want to see and make of it and do about it. So, time to challenge myself and not be afraid to explore.

10 random facts about me

1. Sometimes, I really hate myself.

2. I will never be too old to enjoy cake batter.

3. I wished I could fly; metaphorically and literally.

4. I love blue. Whee....

5. Every episode of 2 Broke Girls never fail to etch a smile on my face.

6. I wished I was taller. Thinner. Or maybe chestier.

7. I can't seem to remember nuts. Hence, understanding nuts.

8. I am my own worst enemy and critic.

9. I never know which to pour my heart, soul and mind into whilst clamouring to do all at once but mastering none.

10. I know it sounds insane but IF I could, I would re-do the whole wedding ceremony and reception again and get it right this time!

PMS strikes again

It's that awesome time of the month again where I feel down and cry at the drop of a hat. If not, I'd feel irritable or mad out of the blue. Apparently, these days, I get mad and easily irritable BEFORE my monthly but sad and melancholic AFTER. It's crazy, right? Tell me about it.

You know what? I never gave much thought to PMS till recent years. All I know was that, every month, a girl (ok. most girls) will get their menstruation and all the aches, cramps and agony that comes with it. If you don't have any of those, good for you.

Oh yeah, don't forget, it is usually the time to thread carefully around us, girls unless you want  your head to roll.

It's only in recent years, whenever the time before my monthly approaches, Mr. C will exclaim,  "oh... it's that time of the month again.." to my sudden outbursts of anger or sudden for-no-rhyme-or-reason melancholia and I would ask him, "what time of the  month?" to which he'd simply just say,"PMS".

Initially, I used to get really annoyed when he places blame on PMS and do nothing about it. I remember saying countless times, 'You can't always blame everything on PMS!!'. And then, one day, it hit me that YES.. I do get cranky and YES my emotions take ride after rides on roller coasters just the week, or few days before 'Aunt Irma' comes, hence, PMS does happen in my case! 

Just the smallest thing can tick me off. Sometimes, even nothing can rub me the wrong way. One moment I can be laughing at Mr. C's comment and the next, stark mad at something he said. All, much to his bemusement (occasional) and befuddlement! LOL.

Once, I admitted that YES, I do PMS, whenever Mr. C tried to pin anything on PMS, I'd tell him that since he knew my monthly was approaching, he should shower me with tender loving care. Make sense, right? It isn't too much to ask. 

It's something like prevention is better than cure. Anticipate and be prepared. If you want to bake a certain food, you'd buy the ingredients beforehand. If you want to study a certain course in Uni, you'd find out and fill up the necessary applications. Right?

So, it's kind of the same thing. Whenever he knows my oh-so-wonderful-time-of-the-month is approaching, it's time to make me happy or give me less headache and things to get annoyed or angryabout. Easy peasy. That's what I think. Not him. Lol. 

He can be intelligent and have great general knowledge  but when it comes to relationships and me, he tanks. BIG TIME. Even after 10 years of being together in a relationship and a year plus of being married. 

Well, to be fair to him, it's not all failures. I'd give him points for trying. Can't find fault in that, you know. On rare occasions. He gets it right. And those days, I feel blessed to be loved and cared for. LOL. 

If not, I am just one, crabby or sobby woman to live with.

If I could be...

#1 A WRITER and pen my first novel... of course, a best seller that would open oh-so-many doors and lead to many more with raving reviews. I am alright if people don't recognised me off the streets but when they here my pen name, they'll know who I am. Now, how awesome that would be.

#2 A PHOTOGRAPHER and make a living out of capturing each and everyone's special occasion and moments may it be a wedding, a pregnancy, the birth of a firstborn, a family or just some random stranger of the street. Getting paid to capturing emotions and happy times whilst receiving praises for a job well done, now, how awesome that would be.

#3 A COOK/BAKER and make hoards and hoards of scrumptious and delectable dishes and desserts from the comforts of my own kitchen and who knows? Open my own shop. Now, how awesome that would be.

#4 A BLOGGER by profession and I get to stay home, go to events, get freebies to keep and/to  review, and all at my time and leisure. Now, how awesome that would be.

It is said that "A pessimist will see the difficulty in every opportunity and an Optimist will see an opportunity in every difficulty" and I find it true. Oh so very true. I may have come a long way from the super Eeyore me of two years ago but the fact that I seem to always think of the cons more than the pros, deluding myself that I am being pragmatic says a fair bit of my optimism, or lack of.

In actual fact, I can do any of the above if I put myself to it. All of us can but we tend to let the world's pressure cave us into decisions we feel we have to take 'cos we're 'responsible adults'. LOL. And if it is not the world, then it is family or friends with their strong and fixed opinions and comments on what one should do rather than what one could do.

So, the question that begs to be answered, as usual, is.. do I conform to what society and certain people think I should do or do I rebel and pursue what I think I would like to do? Follow my heart.. my dream? Then again, seeing how I have more than one dream, it is hard to focus solely on one and make it happen when I am thinking about the other dreams.

And up to this point of time, I still have yet to figure out what I am good at, really good at and what areas to pursue. Like I said, it appears that I am a Jack of all trades and master of none. If I knew what I would love to do, it'll make life decisions so much more easier.

In the later part of 2009, when I left my Audit job without another company's job offer, many said I was being impractical and irresponsible and yada yada yada. If you were not in my shoes, who were you then to judge or give your two cents worth? I knew that I was at a really unhealthy point in my life dwelling on really unhealthy thoughts and to save myself, I just had to get out, no matter the cost and consequences. Even then, I didn't just up and left.

I left my job AFTER my attempt to switch departments didn't materialised. If I couldn't do something other than audit in the same company, then, I had no choice but to leave. And in my heart of hearts, I trusted that God would give me a job; but whether I would like that job was a different question. 

True enough, in less than a month of unemployment, I was called in for an interview, given a job that was willing to let me start three months later in the new year and agreed to further increase my pay upon passing both required tests for the relevant role.

Then, I didn't trust God enough to give me a job that paid and that I'd love. Oh, I was of little faith. But now, I don't think it is too much to trust that God will give me a job that I would like, perhaps if asking to love my job is a little too much, and that the job will pay well. Needless to say, I am not expecting a CEO or MD position or the extremely ka-ching pay that comes with it. 

After all, God knows me best; He knows my innermost thoughts that perhaps, not even Mr. C knows. How can he when sometimes, I don't even know myself? And if God knows me well, then, he'd know what job will suit me the most and where I will thrive.

And that is what I prayed again last night. For Him to provide that job and preferably that I'd KNOW when the job opportunity does come. I am, of course, not expecting the job to just fall in my lap without lifting a single finger. For Him to do His part, I have to do my own too. Research, research, research and apply, apply and apply! 

So, to all other job hunters out there, all the best to you too! ;) 

Don't forget, we can be who we want to be and where we crave to be but are we willing to bear the cost and take the necessary measures to reach that desired place? Only you will know.

Questions ALWAYS asked

With it being Chinese New Year and all, I am sure plenty have been asked 1001 questions that we sometimes wish aunties would know better than to ask! LOL.

Pardon my Malaysian English...

Questions people LOVE to ask in general.

#1 Got boy/girlfriend or not?

#2 How long together?

#3 (If no partner) Why no boy/girlfriend ar???

#4 (If one is in a relationship) When getting married? Better fast fast marry... not young anymore.

#5 What are you doing now? Studying?? Working??!

#6 What are you studying?

#7 (If not studying) Where are you working?

Questions people LOVE to ask BEFORE engagement and the wedding ceremony.

#1 When are you getting married? Better fast fast marry, give your parents grandkids... dragon year good to have babies!!

#2 How is wedding preparations?

Questions people LOVE to ask AFTER the wedding ceremony.

#1 How is married life?

#2 Have you gone for your honeymoon? Where did you go?

#3 When are you having a baby?

Questions I get asked A LOT (besides the above)!!

#1 Do you prefer Australia or Malaysia?

#2 Is it easy to get a job? What do you want to do?

#3 When are you going back to Melbourne?

#4 Why don't you stay for CNY??

#5 When are you coming back to Malaysia?

... and I tell you this, in Asian culture, the questions NEVER stop. It's just how Asians tend to talk in general. Sometimes, they are just plain nosy but most times, it's just a way of 'getting' to know you.

I gather Westernised people will find it alike to an interrogation. Lol. Even the questions bugs me... often enough to be glad that I am here in Australia and the questions are definitely asked less frequently.

Friday Facebook Failure

I've been wanting to take a break from Facebook for the longest time ever. In 2011 when many were on hiatus from Facebook as part of their 'fasting' for Lent, I had thoughts of doing the same as well.

But that was it. Just thoughts and NO actions.

Off late, I know I've been FBing even more. Even my sister's intern noticed my increased activity. Perhaps it's a feeble attempt at trying to stay connected with friends back home and those all around the world. Funnily enough, I am doing most of the connecting part and not my friends.

FB does connect one to distant relatives and long lost friends, allowing one the option of blossoming and strengthening relationship. Besides knowing more about my family and friend's life through their updates and news feed, I also gain access to many Wedding related vendors especially photographers and videographers. Their work constantly inspires and amazes me. The creativity behind the photos and videos; the thought and effort put in, sometimes astounds me.

How does one come up with such amazing concepts and arrangements? Where does the idea and inspiration originate from? Which leads to me reflecting back on my very own wedding and what it lacked.

I forgot to give our 'Thank You' speech. My flowers were not as beautiful and as amazing as I expected it to be. Our tea ceremony was somewhat disorganised IMHO. I've mentioned a bit of my post wedding blues that I've yet to blogged about in details.

Crikey! You must be thinking... more whiny posts of what went wrong??! Lols. I'll solve your problem for you, just click the 'X' button at the top right corner and PROBLEM SOLVED! ;p Definitely a worthy post for the future, and perhaps, it'll be beneficial to future brides from repeating my mistakes or oversight. Bleh.

Anyways, back to Facebook. See, I've the attention span of a gnat and my ability to ramble and digress off topic never ceases to amaze me. I think FB surfing does not go well with my emotional wellbeing. Something riggered the emotional dam, it burst and I was overwhelmed leading my decision to go off FB for a week.

I wanted to start on Monday allowing me some time to slowly wean off FB. But I figured if I procrastinate, I might change my mind. So much for my bravado, today, I've clicked 'Facebook' like four times in total. After 5 minutes of quick surfing, I'd quickly close the browser.

Hence, this post and title; my plan to stay off FB for a week FAILED big time!

But I am not giving up. Perhaps, tomorrow, I'll log in two times. Then on Sunday, once. And who knows, from Monday till the following Monday, I'll actually be able to stay off FB!

NOTE: Found it ironic that The Star (a newspaper back in Malaysia) had several articles on Facebook addiction and how some really take the addiction to a whole new level with bosses facing problems when their workers waste time on FB during working hours just the day after I decided to take a break! How uncanny.

Despite that, today wasn't all bad. Mr. C was super sweet and let me sleep in today, absolving me from breakfast making duties. Lol. I tidied the rooms, made the bed for my aunt's impending arrival tomorrow, drove out to the Kmart in Stud Park Shopping Centre for a little walk and to test that my uncle's car was in tip top condition, which it seems to be!

Besides that, I just baked some Sugi aka Semolina cakes earlier in the evening. One for my neighbours, another for my younger uncle whom I'll visit this weekend and the last, for Mr. C and I and anyone else at home. Mr. C lend a hand and really loved using the blender to mix the ingredients, reminding me of myself when I was an eager child watching my mummy when she did her baking.

Guess that's all for tonight... now, for the email updates to our families back home.

Ps: Does it count as FBing if I 'like' links at blogs whereby the posts is connected back to FB and appears on my FB wall when I share the 'liked' article/post??

Thinking Thursday

Last night, I went to bed with tears sliding off the side of my eyes seeping into the pillow. This morning, to Mr. C's horror, I started tearing at the breakfast table. He asked what the matter was wrong with me. I think it's the pressure of finding a job. Any job. The right job. The job that will pay well and most importantly, I'll enjoy and excel in.

No easy feat, I tell you. Just reading job descriptions put me off job search. Oh well. That's the fun part of being an adult right? RESPONSIBILITIES and what not. I have to think of my future children and also my parents when they get older. It's going to cost a fair bit of money.

If not for money, I wouldn't be going back to work. If I had money, there's so much I want to do with it. Start a home for the elderly and the young... a cafe or an eatery with a stage for live performances; poem reading, monologue, basically for budding artistes to showcase their talent or just a platform to voice their thoughts. The list goes on. I am sure many of you have said dreams and plans to open your own business but currently hampered by the lack of capital.

Reality checks in, and boy does it suck big time!

Anyhow, Sal called and I chatted with Mun2, too. Felt better after. Perhaps, it'll get better from here on. Thanks God. I went to bed in tears and a prayer to God asking Him to help me make sense of sad me and to help me turn a sad day into a good day. And He helped.

Last week, was at EB Games and saw the above and the below. Let's just say, boys will always be boys. Even when they grow facial and body hairs, don on a suit and a tie to work, they'll always be a boy at heart, somehow.

And I think guys got it right somehow. Keep their life simple and they are pretty much easily contented and happy. I think, it's usually the missus that complicates their life. LOLs. Our landlord told Mr. C to make sure that I was okay with the house when we first moved in last year. He said that if I, the lady of the house was happy, then there will be no problem for the man. And it really is true.

Can't wait to go to Knox Shopping Centre later to trade in my Dance Central for The Black Eyed Peas Experience! Hopefully, I can still get it at the cheaper price. Otherwise, I'll have to forgo getting it today. ;(

Note : I think it is awesome how I can transfer songs from my Dance Central to Dance Central 2! And hence, allowing me to trade it in for The Black Eyed Peas Experience!

See, this is why I need to get a job. To be able to enjoy little pleasures in life such as this and my sweeties and chocolates, my sticky date puddings and oooh... accesories, clothes, bags, shoes and presents for people!!!

Poor Mr. C. Every time we go out, I see things I would LOVE to buy for people; friends and family. He'd rather I buy things for myself to make myself happy then always splurging on others especially if others might not always appreciate such gestures.

My sister says I need to love myself but I don't know how to. And to go back to the root of the question,"why don't I love myself?". I am not ugly and I admit, I am not stupid. But neither am I pretty hot nor super smart. Wonder if others go through such battles with self. I guess everyone does but a different kind from mine.

So, 2012... a journey of self discovery. Now, how to go about doing that?

Wake up Wednesday

This is probably true. Have been reverting back to old ways of going back to bed after Mr. C goes to work. Of course, I go back to sleep with his full approval! LOL. But I tell myself I shouldn't. There is just so much I want to do and when I do get a job, I'll have even lesser times to do those things. Then again, it is kind of redundant when I don't do them now, when I have way more time than I'll ever have.

I really dislike it when I am in this mode. This down mode where anything can just bring you down. And all your weaknesses are just magnified. You think that your abilities and your qualifications don't match. It's like a chef excelling in carpentry but suck at cooking. Having to reassess oneself; the lack of confidence, the forgetfulness, the tough judgment on self.

Mr. C has said before that he has never seen anyone so hard on themselves ever. It is true that your worst enemy is your self; if you tell yourself that you can do anything, chances are, you believe it and do anything. But if you belittle yourself, how can others think the world of you when you think you are nothing?

So, the trick to solving any problems is the first step of accepting. With acceptance, accepting you have so and so problem or you need so and so help, the next step is easier, working the problem out. But if you don't accept or think there is a problem to begin with, then, there's nothing to work out despite the problem existing. Us, humans are very good with self-delusion.

Hence, I really do need to love myself more. Sometimes, I think God gave me Mr. C 'cos he really does love me as I am; the good and the bad. He loves me enough, and at times, enough to make up for the lack of love I have in myself. I claim that he is bias and rarely objective when it comes to me as he always regales others about my 'talents', my beauty and only he knows what else. And maybe I need such belief, such faith that I am that good. That I have something.

It's silly how our minds play tricks on ourself.

I want to scream and enjoy the ride. I want to seize the moment and savour every minute of everyday. I know that moping and stressing out is really pointless. But point aside, I still do. I hate being in this down mode and I try to pull myself out of it; sometimes, I succeed, others times, I don't.

Maybe I shouldn't be saying all this here, online, in cyberspace for the whole wide world to see. Who knows? Maybe my future employer will stumble upon this personal space and judge me unfavourably. But so what? I don't believe in writing an untruth in my resume just so to make myself look good. Heck, I might have something good but I won't think to put it in my resume 'cos I think myself that small most times.

We have so many people 'sprucing' up their resumes just to clinch an interview. Many expound their non-existant strengths and abilities just to try and seal the deal of getting the job. I admire their confidence and ability to bull shit on their feet but if I was an employer and get a staff like that who later on can't walk his talk, I'll be rather upset.

Just because people do it, doesn't mean I should. I gather it's really tough to stand on ones ground and hold on to whatever shred of integrity left. White lies are expected to be told 'cos it's the easier road and hey, everyone's doing it and it hurts nobody.

Like how many people would really tell their friends off when they deserve it? Most of the times, we just sugar coat things not wanting to offend or have a confrontation. But sometimes, some things really do need to be told. Problems and misunderstandings need to be hashed out. Is the friendship so fragile that it cannot withstand a telling off or two?

Then again, maybe it's just me and my issue with friendships. I'll walk a mile for a person but often than naught, most people won't. I am not a perfect person and I am not the world's nicest person. So, don't get me wrong. I just feel that if my friends are really friends, then when I am down, upset and worried, I should be able to go to them. I should be able to just blab how I feel and get affirmation or a telling off for being a whiny baby.

Something or anything... so why can't I? Why do I feel alone? That everyone's off to their own rat race, slaying their own dragons in their own world? Why can't we all slay our dragons together, or have each others backs? To shield one another from danger and the fiery breaths from the dragon?

Such a good reminder to have. I really need to write down this good 'quotes' and stick them where I can see them. If I don't have friends to fall back on and I have abysmal memory, I best do the next best thing and put them where I can see them to jog my memory!

If having PMS moments (before and after Aunt Irma's visit) aren't bad enough, I don't need trips down memory lane especially when it leads back to you. 'Cos it leads no where. You can't have a conversation with someone who doesn't appear to be a willing conversationalist. I can't be trying to read your mind and what's going on when all I get is silence. And the silence gets to me.

I am your friend but I have my down times, my moments. And when I have these moments, I don't need this games you play. Maybe you don't realise the spot you put me in, maybe you feel the same as I do. Whatever it is, I don't like you invading my space especially places where you no longer belong.

Right now, I need a friend and it would be nice to have one that just understands me, that'll surprise a smile out of me or something. But you know what? This is an age long situation that I've yet to discover the answer and why it haunts me.

Perhaps, a lesson to be learnt from the Almighty One?

Just because I smile, it doesn't mean I am ok. Pull of the band aid and you'll see I still have the wounds. If not the wounds, then the scars. Tomorrow, I might be feeling better and less sorry for myself.

But today, today is a different story and perhaps what I really needed was a Wake Up Wednesday.