Out of sorts

I’ve been feeling out of sorts of late. My handwriting is messy and unattractive. My memory keeps failing me. I used to remember word for word uttered.

Sometimes I feel the need to rant about something that has happened or a feeling I am feeling because of an event that occurred but the moment passes and I forget. Or I would feel it's not classy to speak ill of people.

Being with the right company matters. 

If you are with people who whine and complain or gossip and bitch, often than naught, a little bit of the toxic rubs off onto yourself.

And it doesn’t overtake you in an instance or overnight. 

Instead, it festers inside you slowly but surely and before you know it, you are a little bit whinier, a little bit bitchier and that just isn't right.

I thought being in the adultworld, people behave in a more mature fashion. I thought being in Australia, people were more diplomatic, better character etc.

However, that isn’t really the case.

Irregardless the country you are in, there will always be the good and the bad, the hardworking and the lazy.

The never ending list

I have been slacking. Wasting minutes, hours, days, weeks and months away. This isn't a new tune I am singing. Unfortunately, this seems to be the theme of my life for the past year. I said that I'll do something with my time, my life but I let time pass me by and with nothing to count for. And of course, I have no one to blame but myself.

People only see what they want to see and most of them see my FB pictures and conclude that I am having the ball of my life. Yeah sure, life doesn't stink. I get to stay home, do my own thing which to many constitutes, bumming. And looking back, yeah sure, I am bumming.

To digress for a bit, once again, regarding FB pictures, who would post sad and angry photos of themselves? I wouldn't. So, most people go on thinking their friends on FB are having a good time with life, work and what not because of all the happy pictures posted up on FB.

Back to the topic. Unfortunately, to every good, there is the bad, to every up, there is the down. I am happy I don't suffer from deadlines and work stress but I feel a sense of restlessness like there is more to life than what I am living right now. I feel as if my life is now kind of purposeless and the opposite of meaningful.

Yeah, money isn't everything but sad to say, with money, one can go far and do much. With money, I can go shopping, pursue some short courses that I am SO interested in. With money, I can help the underprivileged on a bigger scale.

But once again, money isn't everything and that aside, it still doesn't explain away my wasting time. Then again, Mr. C is of the opinion that I am my worst critic and that there is nothing wrong to enjoy my non-working life, doing nothing. After all, there is always a season; a time to do certain things at certain times.

I came back from Malaysia sick with cough that worsen and at the same time, being homesick didn't help my mental mind. I slept in almost every day till late afternoon, wake up and surf the net till Mr. C comes back. Then, I would hang out with him till the end of night and the routine just repeats itself the next day, the day after and the day after that.

Now, it's already October and I have less than two months to settle many things. For now, I have to focus on my wedding planning. When I didn't do anything about it for the past month, I wasn't free from worrying. I knew that I had a lot to do and doing nothing just added on the worrying.

I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I really didn't feel like doing anything. Aahh, such is the curse of giving in to one's feelings at times.

People offer their help but I can't help but wonder how many are really genuine. For some, when I actually do get around to asking for help, their help doesn't seem exactly forthcoming. And if I were to sense someone wasn't that interested to help, I wouldn't really pursue the matter with them despite feeling a tad disappointed. After all, I am taking you up on your offer of help but then, you don't seem that keen.

I thought that it is usually the brides that are overbearing and demanding, driving everyone else crazy with their diva attitudes but in my case, it really feels the opposite is true.

And this week, I told myself, once again (I know how I am prone to sinking into melancholy much to some people's annoyances) that I got to pull myself out of this black hole. Enough of pity parties. Enough of people who say they care but their actions show something else. Enough of expecting people to live up to their roles.

I am not perfect, I am not here to judge. I have a wedding to plan and execute. So, I'll do what I can and once again, learn to leave it in God's hands. This whole trusting God and relying on Him is still something foreign.

People keep asking me how's my wedding planning and I honestly don't know. I've not been to many weddings, never been involved in one so, I am rather clueless. I've stopped my research and been feeling sorry for myself. Feeling pathetic that I am planning this all myself. But like I said, enough is enough.

Time to cut to the chase and see the big picture. Wedding in less than two months. What hasn't been settled, what needs to be done, what is still outstanding, who would I need for what, all these thoughts have been cluttered in my mind but not translated to paper.

So, I sat down early in the week and wrote my things to do list and boy, the list sure is long. And I've yet to complete any.

It is not a matter of doing it and getting it out of the way. For example, the guest list. Earlier, some mentioned they couldn't make it, and now, they can. And I even had a weird ex-classmate telling me he couldn't make it because it was his birthday. OMG and LOL, at the same time. Now, he says he can make it and he kidded for me to prepare him a birthday cake. Seriously?! Come on.

Anyways, with less than a month till I go back to Malaysia, I have to do at least one to two items on my list. If everyday, I do at least one thing, then I am sure, the stress will lesson and I will get everything done and out of the way, eventually.

I do wonder if I am perhaps the only person feeling like that 'cos lots of brides keep telling me to enjoy the wedding planning process and I can't seem to. I can't wait for it to be over and done with. And I know the marriage is more important then the reception but come on, who wouldn't want a nice and memorable wedding ceremony?

Then again, this is a lazy bride's wish. LOL.

*fingers and toes crossed to completing my list* Which reminds me, I have to call and chase my mum on things she has to complete. OMG.

Corrupted policemen in Malaysia

End of December, I blogged about the guy beaten and robbed by beloved, Malaysian policemen and stated that I was a victim before. Not that I was beaten up (thank God) but that I had a bad experience.

Early this year, after buying burger with my Australian Born Chinese girl cousin near the SS2 bomba, I was stopped at the police road block.

This road block near the bomba has been there for awhile and every once in awhile to check for god knows what. They are exceptionally MORE hardworking during festive occasions like Chinese New Year (obviously hoping to get some dough through bribes). Usually, I would reverse and take the small lane to detour around the useless police block but that day, I was lazy to reverse and detour and just drove towards the road black. Of course, I was irked when he asked for my driving license and IC but I had no choice but to give it to him.

He, then asked me for my cousin's which I thought was odd 'cos usually they only ask for the driver's and not the passenger's. I told the dodgy-fatass-mustache-sleazy-looking-policeman she's from overseas and that they don't have IC's in their country like ours but they have driving license which serves as a form of identification for them. He didn't even understand driving license. Idiot. I had to translate to malay - 'lesen memandu'. Go back to school man.

I tell you, he really was fat! And this is my theory- it's usually the fat policemen with moustache that takes bribe. Where else the rookies (pre-corruption noobs that are still new to the force) are the thin, clean shaven ones. So when the rookie learns the rope and start taking bribes, he'll evolve to be the typical fat, mustache, corrupted policeman.

This was roughly how the conversation went...

(The policeman only spoke in Malay, hence, this is translated to English)

Asshole: Drive to the side of the road.

(I was livid for being stopped and for no valid reason! Ready to start war with the asshole, I pulled to the entrance of the bomba.)

Me: What is the reason you're stopping me? She has identification. What have we done?

Asshole: Don't you know why? It's in the news of illegal migrants overstaying their time. Do you know it is an offence not to carry an IC?

Me: Where is it said? Shown? In the newspaper? In school? No where says that.

Asshole: Do you know that it's considered a crime and that I can put you in lokap (Malay for lock up)?

(This is when I got even more annoyed and was starting to really boil. I was ready to fight war with this fat lousy excuse for a policeman.)

Me: A crime? What crime? People out there are robbing people, snatch thieves are everywhere, hurting people and they're not caught and jailed where else, innocent me has done nothing wrong and you want to put me in jail??!

Gave him the incredulous-you're-an-asshole look.

He asked for my cousin's passport and I said it was with her mother and her mother was at my house. Why would she want to carry it around when there are so many snatch thieves? Then, I told myself to calm down 'cos basically, he can do anything and get away, knowing how Malaysia's law enforcement is like. So, I looked at him, and he looked at me. Really a nincompoop!

So I asked if we can leave.

Asshole: So how now? Macam mana?

I've heard this phrase before... and it's usually uttered when they want bribe that they say this. To me, I think he was really stupid. If he really wanted to solve this, if he was genuine about the identification, he could say, 'go home, get the passport and come back' or he could follow us back for it BUT I wasn't going to offer to do that.

Then it hit me- I was alone with my girl cousin. She's younger than me and we were in my Edward- proton saga. Two girls who look young and probably easy to be intimidated, maybe they decided to try their luck in forcing us to pay bribe for no crime at all.

Me: So, macam mana?

And again, I look at him, he looked at me. I acted blur and clueless, refusing to do or say anything further whilst waiting to see what he's going to do next but I was ready to dial for my mother and tell her what's going on 'cos there is no way I am letting them take my cousin and me anywhere. The 5 year ago me would have cowered but the 'worldly, now me' knows better than to let people take advantage of me or try to intimidate me!

Asshole mumble mumble. The he said we could go but next time bring out IC or passport or something or it could be he was saying that we should bring the passport back for him to verify.

I just say ok and drove off.

Really pissed me off. Any encounter with policemen in Malaysia seems to be negative. Imagine if I was taken to jail and hypothetically beaten up like the Chinese businessman. HERE is an update on what has happened since December 24.

Google and you will find out many cases of people in custody and even not, being beaten up by the policemen. One can only shake their head and wonder how is that going to plug brain drain and lure people back to Malaysia.

Read my other experience with stupid, idiotic, corrupted -and 100% of the time- Malay policemen.

Beaten and robbed by Malaysian cops over expired road tax

Apparently the Malaysian Chinese businessman in the below clip was beaten up and ROBBED by our awesome upholding-justice-Malaysian-stupid-Malay-policemen.

He was initially puller over for an expired road tax. He then told the policeman he was sorry and asked the policeman to issue the summon. Unfortunately, as he took his IC out for the policeman, the greedy, corrupted policeman saw the stack of money in his wallet and started hinting for bribe.

Summary is that the guy refused to pay bribe and was beaten up and threatened to be framed by our policemen.

Read about it HERE and also at The Star.

Such absurdity continues on in Malaysia making one wonder if we will ever truly see justice? If our country will ever be free of corruption...

Look at the Mongolian model, Atlantuya case. Everyone knows the real culprit isn't behind bars. If you believe that the case is close with the two men in jail, boy, are you gullible. It's always the small farts that take the fall and sure, why not, especially if their families are going to be looked after forever by the real culprit.

Another is the Anwar debacle. All and sundry knows that Anwar was set up. Whether he really does practice sodomy is his own business. My friend, who studied law were required to study his case and stated that it was blatantly obvious he was set up. Well, even Saiful's accusation seems doubtful and yet...

I am not for Anwar as the next Prime Minister of Malaysia but I just want justice to be served. I want to be proud of Malaysia and not feel scorn for those who 'lead' and 'guard' us. I don't want people to have to be afraid that they might be the next victim as the above Chinese guy.

Why is it that a man like Raja Petra has to go into hiding? Did he murder anyone? Hit anyone? Steal anything? Robbed somebody? Bribed or received bribes? Take the people's money and built mansions? Nope. He did none of the above. All he did was tell us, the rakyat (Malay for people) the truth.

How many cases like the above youtube clip has gone unreported? How many have been abused? Made to disappear?

A plurk friend plurked that he was issued a saman (Malay word for summon/fine) for driving in the emergency lane when it was obvious that he wasn't. He refused to acknowledge or sign off on a summon that wasn't even valid in the first place!

I read bloggers' recount their experience of intimidation by policemen with the intention to extort bribe. I, myself was a victim.

It's ridiculous that instead of feeling safe when we see a policemen, we get worried and feel the opposite. We are apprehensive that we'll be another victim of corruption.

If you ever encounter a stupid policemen, make sure you get his name and remember his police ID no. (badge no.) and please, don't pay bribes.

If there is no demand, there will be no supply.

You speed, you pay. You run a red light, you pay. For being an idiot and making a mistake, own up, be a man and PAY THE *TOOT* SUMMON!

Don't be selfish. Do that for a better future for your children and their children.

ps: I told Mr. C that I am blogging and angsty post again on Malaysia's policemen etc... so, if I disappear, you'll know why. Then again, I am not that popular like Raja Petra or Timothy Tiah or XiaXue etc. =p

Suicide and me

I read yesterday morning about this 22 year old guy, Alviss Kong, how he committed suicide over a break up with his girlfriend and the silliest thing ever, he posted his suicide note on Facebook before offing himself!

This news have been spreading around yesterday and many have even blogged about it. If you're interested, JOSHUAONGYS blogged about it, this person and another one and another one, amongst a few. As of last evening, the suicide note apparently seems to be unavailable but you can read about it HERE.

I have been wanting to blog on this issue- suicide for awhile but never got around to it. Last month, someone from my high school apparently committed suicide due to some debt issues. Even celebrities also succumb to this to that as they can no longer stand with the pressures of life especially KOREAN celebrities. Read about it HERE and HERE and HERE.

I know we should respect the dead but just reading that guy's suicide note got me riled up. Yeah sure, I am not here to judge him or his actions but what's the message to others in similar situation? They might think suicide is an option. Besides, there are many who are wishing for a second chance in life but are dying.

SUICIDE 101

#1 NO girl or guy out there is worth dying for. NO MATTER what you think and how you feel. If she or he is worth it, they wouldn't want you to, to begin with.

#2 Suicide is NEVER the way out. Probably seems the EASIEST but definitely not THE way out!

#3 Think about people you leave behind. Yeah sure. You can Rest In Peace where ever you think you're going after death BUT how about those left behind?? Like your parents? Friends? They definitely won't be having any peace any time soon thanks to you who committed suicide for whatever reasons.

#4 No matter what, it's NEVER the end of the world. Of course love is the greatest of all but when you lose a love, when you've been rejected over and over, when you feel life is meaningless, it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. It may feel like it is but it isn't.

Trust me, I know what I am saying. Don't say I don't know what I am saying because up till recently, I was at a dark place myself. Some people who know me who think I am made of bubbly and cheerfulness might not believe it but I learnt to put on a facade, to show the world that all is well when it wasn't. At least, I didn't think so.

Working life sucked. Family life sucked. Study life sucked and so did love. When everything is against you and nothing is going right, when you fail to see any meaning in life. You feel that there is no one you can turn to (even if there is, your brain says otherwise 'cos at that point, nothing matters, and no one does).

All I am trying to say is that SUICIDE IS A NO NO and that's for ANY reasons at all! Even if you've been raped multiple times, abused and subjected to the worst kind of humiliation, it still isn't a reason to end life. Shit happens and that's life. No one says it'll be fair or a breeze but we take whatever we can and learn to deal with it. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

We should live life to the very fullest and in the most meaningful manner possible. When one door closes, another one really opens. It's really up to us to see it or not. Of course when you're down and all else is just a pool of darkness, you might not see it.

It's alright to mope and be down. Everyone has their bad moments, their setbacks. But importantly, we learn to pick ourselves, put the pieces back together because life goes on, and so should we.

That's what I did.

If you are at that low point in life and feels that life no longer has any meaning, that you're tired of waking up, tired of facing the world, tired and in despair, you don't choose to be sad and down, you just are and you can't seem to pull yourself out of it, know that you're NOT alone!

Know that there are many people out there with the same sentiments. Some people are probably going through worst crap than you but whatever it is, know that you have people who do love you as you are- your good and your bad. Know that no matter what you think, say(said) or do(done), they still love and accept you and are there for you but you have to reach out and ask for help.

DON'T stay home. DON'T hole yourself up alone. DON'T give in to those dark thoughts, to the voices in your head. DON'T push people away.

Reach out. Tell someone. Even if the voice of "reason" tells you not to. Share with someone that you're hurting. Seek help and it's NEVER too late. It really isn't!

Lost wandering sheep

Picture taken from HERE.

Have you ever felt lost? Lost in life. Lost in love. Lost of any kind of direction. Just plain old fashioned lost?

So lost that you don't think you can ever find your way back. Ever again? So lost that you DON'T want to find your way back. You don't care if you ever did. You don't care if you destroyed what's left of your so-called-pathetic existence and nothing really matters anymore because you just don't matter.

Everyone has been at that juncture in life one time or another or currently is at that cross junction. I was at that place not once but many times in this past one to two years- I hated work which led me to make some silly actions that further fueled my hate of life. Family situation did not help matters but added fuel to the fire. On top of that, things weren't going well with Mr. C then and we both made mistakes.

I was frustrated that nothing was going right. Everything was against me. That was the general, daily feeling. You can tell me to be more positive, to NOT be so negative (as if I loved being pessimistic) but it was pointless. That was just how I felt, how I was. And when you're down, everything appears to go wrong. One thing after another, like a series of unfortunate events.

But came May 2009, I told myself that life really is too short for regrets and I didn't want to hit the big 3-0 to only still be living a life of regrets. By then, it will be late. Not too late to change but precious time would have past me by. Time that could've been better spent.

I thought that 2010 would be a new year, a year free of mistakes, of sadness but boy was I wrong. I made stupid calls one after another and hurt those close to me including myself. But somehow, that has lead me to be who I am now and for me to be where I am.

And my point is, the most important thing to bear in mind is to never, ever give up. No matter what. To know that somehow, someday, you will find the way back. It is just a matter of when. And that when can seem like an impossibility but trust me, it will come.

No matter how deep a hole you've buried for yourself. No matter how bad your actions and situation may seem, or what that has been done to you, it really isn't that bad. SERIOUSLY.

It just seems that way when you're in that mess at the moment. May it be cheating on your partner or being cheated on. Or yelling at friends and family or hurling hurtful words or at the receiving end instead. Or hating your work, your boss, your life.

There IS a rainbow at the end of the storm, a silver lining. Just give it time. And you'll find yourself back on the path.

The right path.

WTH Saturday

Today is a day filled with WTH moments.

WTH#1 It was a Saturday and I had to dragged myself out of bed at 9am, chomp down last night's left over pizza and gulp my hot tea made by Mr. C then drive myself to Paddington for the day. Paddington is a different suburb about 25minutes from Carindale and is where my aunt lives.

In Australian standards, 25minutes away is considered far.

My aunt, a real estate agent was having an open house for interested potential buyers to come and scout out the unit of the apartment for sale. And I, was there to assist her seeing that I am free, somewhat.

She told me to reach her house at 10am and I was there a few minutes after. BUT she was still asleep in dreamland!!! That is WTH #2. Then, WTH #3 was when she was grabbing a bite to eat, she glanced at me and lamented that she should give me some of her blouses!

I was dressed in black office skirt and panty hose matched with a brownish blouse from Jay Jays (in the above picture which was taken two weeks ago), completed with my Prima Vera black, pointy, sleek heels.

And FYI, I may not be dressed to the nines nor to impress but I definitely was presentable. So, seriously, I was irked and first thought, "wth"!

If my aunt had good fashion sense, then, alright, I concede her point. But she has not really been dressing up either IMHO but I bet you that she thinks she dresses well. Let's just say, you wouldn't call her a fashion guru. So, who was she to say that I needed new clothes? Hers of all people??!!

When she was done with her light breakfast, she drove us to St. Lucia - about 15minutes from her house - where the apartment for inspection is located. We were at a red traffic light and she turned to 'inspect' me. I was waiting for her to comment on something negatively and obviously something not too complimentary. Lo and behold, she did not disappoint!

WTH #4 was her saying that I should put some powder on my face. That it'll make some difference ie I'd look better. Seriously, I was less than an hour in her presence and she had managed to make a lot of negative comments continuously. If it were constructive criticism, I can accept albeit with some reluctance.

BUT to be talked down at, ridiculed at and always being patronised? It's downright taxing.

There are several more WTH moments with her but I think I've shared enough. At the end of the day, my aunt has aged and she's always been strong willed with her own mind and a tad judgmental. But I just keep telling myself to look at the BIG picture, that whatever it is, she loves me.

It's tough but I try.

Bad news

When one door closes, another opens. I really hope that's true because we're yet in another stormy sea and somehow, just somehow, we will make it through. That's all I can think and hope and pray. It's really ironic though when one of my prayers were answered just on Monday night and several days later, another doubt is thrown smack in my face. It's just obstacles after obstacles and I need a break. A reprieve.

It's actually bad news for Mr. C which indirectly is bad news for me because whatever that affects him, affects me. It's that simple.

Allied Brands who bought over Villa and Hut where Mr. C used to work have gone into administration since the end of October 2010. From it's CEO getting sacked in June 2010, to NOT paying it's super to their staff and the investigation into a breach of immigration laws to their license for Baskin Robbins being revoked, the Company has been facing a series of unfortunate events, devastating like a tidal wave. Read HERE for more news and info.

What I don't understand is how things got this far. What was the management of the Company doing all these while? A company, especially a big, public one like Allied Brand with Baskin Robbins and Krisyp Kreme under it's wing doesn't just go bust in a day nor in a year. Things like that definitely is a built up of mismanagement for over years or just plain hanky panky going on and even then...

Where were the directors that owed a fiduciary duty to the Company, to the shareholders? Most importantly, why was nothing picked up by their internal and external auditors? Where did it all fail and who is to be blame? In cases like this, everyone loves to point finger at everyone else.

Does anyone gives a fig what happens to the lives that are affected when shops are closed due to all the hanky panky and mismanagement of the Company?

Because on Wednesday around 3pm, whilst Mr. C was working, the Administrator for Allied Brand came to Villa and Hut at Carindale and nonchalantly informed those who were working at that moment that the shop is shutting and effectively, they were out of their job. They will be paid for their work but just not that day. Gee. Thank you very much.

If the Administrator did not plan to pay the wages of the staff for that day, they should have come in early in the morning at 9am, at least to inform people. How fair is it that you have workers working an honest living and for something that is not their fault, they don't get paid?

It's just ridiculous. Guess, Mr. C will have to pimp himself out for some cash so that we can weather this storm.

As if. =p

So now, we're living on crackers and water until Mr. C finds another job. Nah. I am kidding. It's a bad situation to be in but we're not that broke, yet that we can't afford to eat decent meals. Hopefully, he gets a full time engineering job although he does need a casual job to tide us through the days.

I am learning to have faith (trust me, it's not easy) and believing that He will be looking out for us.

Somehow.

I.think.of.you

When I listen to Jay,

You spring to mind.

When I listen to Lee Hom,

I think of you.

When I sing k,

It reminded me of the first time.

When I drive up Genting,

I think of drifting which leads to Jay and back to you,

When I think of the latest movies,

My movie buddy was you.

Everything leads back to you.

Now, it's time to stop.

Emotional Kookie

Everyone my age is out working in the working world whilst I sit at home and type this.

I am not saying that I miss my working life so badly that I want to head right back into it. But every day in and every day out, constant thoughts about money and how we'll get by plagues me non-stop. The only thing I ever missed about my working life is the money that comes with it and the handful of friends made. Ooops. Making that two things.

Now, I just mope about wondering what is my destiny and reading novels after novels.

Although I woke up earlier today as compared to yesterday, I still feel like crap. Ever since I tendered my resignation from my audit firm a year back, I've had no trouble sleeping. The problem is, I, now have trouble waking up, right to this very day.

I feel blue. Perhaps, I should stop wearing blue to try rid this melancholy away. After reading Jude Deveraux's Return to Summerhouse, I felt better and walked home from the mall and back to my gloom.

I wanted to blog about something, anything and I feel like I have nothing or substance to blog about except this mindless ramblings. Well, it's just one of those days where one's emotions get the upper hand.

There are those who probably envy my so-called relaxed life but things are never as they seem. With no job, that means no money. And with no money means limitations.

I guess I just have to figure out how to pull myself out of the slumps and make the best I can with my situation. I just sometimes wished I had a friend here to hang out and chat with, other than Mr. C.

Twilight Vanilla

Picture taken from HERE.

"Waist-deep in thought because

When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink

I'll think of you tonight

I'll think of you tonight"

Owl City's Vanilla Twilight played on in the background as I read Katie MacAlister's 'Up In Smoke' at the mall whilst waiting for Mr. C to be done with his shift, an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and homesickness just hit me and for a moment, just a teensy moment in a space of a few seconds, I felt extremely sad.

I don't know why and where it came from but it brought a certain someone to mind. Just like that, out of thin air. I thought I was over this- a trip down to that particular memory lane- and am moving on. Ironically, thinking of you amplifies the loneliness.

Now, a thousand and one thoughts assault my mind over and over without giving me a moment of respite. I can't help but feel like I am making a mistake. A mistake of sorts.

And I can't help but wonder where did any of those thoughts popped out from.