Out of sorts

I’ve been feeling out of sorts of late. My handwriting is messy and unattractive. My memory keeps failing me. I used to remember word for word uttered.

Sometimes I feel the need to rant about something that has happened or a feeling I am feeling because of an event that occurred but the moment passes and I forget. Or I would feel it's not classy to speak ill of people.

Being with the right company matters. 

If you are with people who whine and complain or gossip and bitch, often than naught, a little bit of the toxic rubs off onto yourself.

And it doesn’t overtake you in an instance or overnight. 

Instead, it festers inside you slowly but surely and before you know it, you are a little bit whinier, a little bit bitchier and that just isn't right.

I thought being in the adultworld, people behave in a more mature fashion. I thought being in Australia, people were more diplomatic, better character etc.

However, that isn’t really the case.

Irregardless the country you are in, there will always be the good and the bad, the hardworking and the lazy.

The friend that shouldn't be

Dear you,

I am unsure why only now I am feeling this anger, this frustration, this... this negative feelings towards you. It happened awhile back but only now, I am feeling this feeling that I can only identify as being hurt. Maybe it's the hormones amplifying the feelings.

Still...

The questions keep popping up one after another. Over and over. If you were my friend, how could you treat me the way you did? Why did you do what you did? What have I done wrong to you to deserve this? The mixed signals. The confusion.

I feel like calling you or texting you to confront you with my questions. But what is the point? I never got my answers all those years ago and I am not holding my breathe that I will be getting any this time.

I am happy for you and where you are at in life but I do not appreciate you stepping into mine and undermining all the hard work I had put in, on my own, to be where I am now. Can't you be happy for me and leave things be? Couldn't you have just kept it all to yourself? And even if you wanted to approach me, keep it simple and sincere with no distractions, no illusions, no mess with my mind actions.

I want to know. I feel I need to know. I wish I know. Maybe that would be my closure but we all know that's not going to happen. You know why? Because you are selfish. You take what doesn't belong to you. You do what you do and somehow come out of it unscathed. Or maybe you do, I just don't know.

Is it a challenge? A joke? A whim? A fancy? What? Does it amuse you so?

If I only knew. If you only divulged what goes on in your super secretive world. What is due to me.

I am not sure if I should ever see you again or keep in touch. Only time will reveal the best course of action.

xoxo,

A frustrated, confused and gloomy me

Gloomy Monday

Pic taken from Google

It's interesting how the weather can affect one's mental state of mind. Last week, I was feeling gloomy except Wednesday and Thursday when the sun was out shining brightly.

Then again, I would credit God for taking my gloom away.

I was tired of feeling blue (when do I not?) and did say a quick prayer in the morning on the way to work. I asked God to take away all my blue Eeyore feelings and just fill me with happiness and positivity and I did feel lighter and happier.

But Mondays... well, it's hard to be all chirpy on a Monday. Especially when the gloomy grey skies greet you in the morning. And especially when I slept late last night. Read a book and was so engrossed that I lost track of time. Thinking it was only 12am when it was half past 12! Bah!

Anyhow, here's to a great week ahead for all of us!

Moving forward

Every time I fall, I try to pick myself up. I tell myself, it's ok. What's done is done. No point crying over spilt milk. Every day is a brand new day. A clean slate. A fresh start. Let the negativity go and may the positivity flow in. Thinking happy thoughts isn't easy especially to one that is pessimistic by nature.

Think about it... who ever wants to be sad and miserable?

Who likes to think of only the bad stuff that snuff out the sunshine in our lives? 

That's just it. NOBODY.

So, the next time you have a friend or family that's down and upset, don't go saying "chill la..." "relax.." "don't be so sad" "don't be negative". Often times, people just need a few words of encouragement. A hug. A shoulder to cry on. A listening ear.

Not a criticising, best-of-intentions-ill-advised, holier-than-thou friend.

When we're down, it's easy to let the hurt, disappointment and pain gnaw at our insides. Because at that point, we're at our lowest. Our most susceptible and vulnerable moment. However, that's just part and parcel of life. 

We will go through all sorts of trials and tribulations throughout our life. When we're kids, we have exams to contend our little minds with. In Uni, it's all about assignments, exams and the usual peer pressure coupled with boy girl relationship issues. As we enter the working world, it's all about deadlines and if you are unfortunate, crazy bosses.

But despite it all, what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. And a positive attitude / mindset will really help one to go a looooong way. You only live once means live life to the fullest not do stupid things that you will regret forever. Never take anyone or anything forgranted. Let bygones be bygones. No one is perfect and to err is human. Forgive others even if they don't deserve it. Love your neighbours as you love yourself and do unto others as you want others to do unto you.

Never give up. If you have goals and dreams, pursue to them to the very end. What you sow, you will reap. Life is all about experiences and learning and growing. God never gives us more than we can deal with even when we think we are stretched too far, we still can cope.

Somehow, with Him, it's possible. Moving forward is possible. Being happy and free is possible. :)

A slug, I am

Hi all!

 

I've been a lazy bum for not blogging. And for that, I can see traffic to this blog is dying off. I don't blame you all for losing interest. I would, too. Never thought that life would get in the way and I'd blog less or rather hardly ever.

 

I guess when I am happy, I feel less inspired to blog. Lesser need to spill my guts out.

 

Unfortunately, I've been feeling the blues once again for this past few days. I hate it when that happens. I've been doing so well in my happy place for quite a fair bit of time and this is just such a pain in my bum.

 

I guess I've been feeling upset about not settling in a church just yet or rather mainly on friendship issues. People think my life is all fun and food based on pictures uploaded on Facebook. But hello??! Who posts sad photos of themselves?

 

You would obviously post places you've been to or food you've had and obviously not pictures of yourself, pooping on your throne or emo-ing to songs at home.

 

I guess I feel, everytime I make the effort or feel like I am close to someone, it turns out, the feelings aren't exactly mutual. Friends back home?  They meet up and not include or update me. Of course, I am not expecting an every-single-second update but it would be nice to be kept in the loop.

 

Come on. With technology these days such as Viber and Whatsapp that makes communication FREE. I don't see why they couldn't bother just a short text or what not. And I used to initiate (or feel like it) conversations but after all, there is only so much one can go with one worded conversations.

 

It's tiring to keep digging for more 'life updates' when it's not freely given.

 

Oh well.

 

Fret not. I will do something to get myself out of this funk, somehow.

Hives attack

10.28pm

I hate it when I feel itchy and what more to say itchy AND pained! It means my hives are back! Am currently waiting for the Zyrtec my hubby made me consumed to kick into effect and sooth my itch away.

Firstly, what are hives aka urticaria? It's a type of allergic reaction that looks blotchy and red and raised areas of skin as if bitten by gazillion mozzies! Then again, how hives look varies. Apparently, it can move around; appearing and disappearing at different parts of our bodies. Dang! Playing hide and seek game ain't fun!

In 2010 when I was living in Brisbane, the hives first made their appearance. I probably blogged about it before, so check out archives around May or June 2010 to read about it.

I don't like eating medicine, if I can help it. After 'tahan'ing my itch and pain for a few weeks, I gave in to Zyrtec and lived on it (an anti-histamine) for the next half of 2010. I'll eat it every morning before any itchiness appears 'cos better to have it before the hives appear.

That and I just got plain sick and tired of being itchy and pained every single day.

Once I moved to Melbourne, it miraculously stopped. I reckoned it was some pollen where I lived that was causing the hives. And now, it's made a come back. Drat that!

I still think it's pollens. 'Cos this all started about 2 weeks back when we went jogging. Since then, I've had hives attack about 3 times now. This is just SO annoying. I had to take sick leave last week  due to swelling of my eyes.

Anyways, Mr. C is making an appointment for me with a doctor (I'll call him Dr. Saviour if he can provide a definite answer to the cause of my allergies) who specialises in allergies. He gets really worked up when I break out in hives and today's hives were really naughty having a gala time on my tummy, lower back, thighs and back of calves.

Thanks to K, my colleague for providing a list of allergy doctors to check out.

Let's hope Dr. Saviour will truly save me from more hive appearances!

10.41pm

Hey... guess what?? Zyrtec pulled through. No longer in pain and the swelling has subsided. Phew....

Self doubt and anxiousness

I hate this gan cheong feeling coupled with self doubt. It gnaws away the little self esteem I have. Ridiculous much? I know and yet, the feelings are there. At the end of the day, you can't really reveal much about yourself or the freaking whole truth when people aren't exactly there for it. 

Especially interviews. They ask you questions to profile who and what you are. But do they really want the real you? Besides, people who talks better (not necessarily work better) tends to land the job.

From the advises people throw my way, they'll say " 'beautify' your resume", lie.. but that's just not me. I guess, I am too honest for my own good and a tad too straight. Straight in a non street smart way.

Just a random ramblings. The wind is strong outside and I just wished it'll carry me away from what may be in store today later on or well, my future. 

Aahh.. I know pessimism gets you no where but it follows me like a hawk, shadowing me.

Time to start making better choices eh.

 

Random ramblings

2011 was a beautiful year in the sense, I really see God working in my life. I felt a change from 2010. I felt improved, renewed and was moving forward. 2012 somehow seems to be lacking. I feel as if nothing has changed. Things haven't changed. 

I know I could be better. I know I can be better. But I am not. Every once in awhile, I need a push, a shove, or some words or act of encouragement. I need motivation. I need to feel inspired. 

My love for photography and blogging seems to have wane for now. I've lost the oomph to take photos, I lost the excitement to blog. Hence, sparse posts this past year. 

Maybe it is because, 2012, I did not make any resolutions. What with the hullabaloo of wedding planning and the ceremony last year, I didn't managed to sit and reflect on 2011 and plan for 2012. I keep saying I will and I kept putting it off.

Look at us now. It's August. 2/3 of the year gone. Just like that.

Every time I fall, I pick myself up, eventually. However, I would really give anything not to fall. Because, when I fall, I get hurt, I get injured. I gets scrapes and cuts. And this takes time to heal. Healing process is never speedy. And I am not talking about physical wounds.

Do you ever worry about money? About where you're headed in life? Do you ever doubt yourself? Or wonder if you're doing what you're meant to be doing? Or perhaps, your destiny is still awaiting you to find it?

We all wish and hope for our fairytale story but that's just it, isn't it? Fairy tales and reality don't go hand in hand. Life is full of ups and downs. It can never be up all the time. 

It's about constant struggles and never giving up. It's about always pushing ourselves to be the best that we can be. It's not about making excuses. It's not about blaming others. 

It's about us and all those around us; the choices we have and the decisions we make. To err is human. If we make a mistake or many, it's not the end of the world. Let it be a lesson and learnt from it. 

Next step would be to let go and move forward. Dwelling on the past and things that are no longer in our control is useless and pointless. It's the next step we take that counts and determines our future. 

At the end of the day, we just got to tell ourselves that no matter where we are, who we are and what we do.. everything's gonna be alright. And it will be, it's just a matter of when.

Compassion

Do you have any? 

If you don't, it's time to start cultivating it. 

Everyone needs a little compassion shown to them 

every now and then, 

so do you. :)

Love and life

Are you ready for a long, thought filling post? If you're not, then, it's best to click the little 'x' at the top right corner. If not, buckle up... I wanted to update my blog and as usual, my thoughts aren't exactly coherently organised. So, do bear with me. 

Each and everyone of us love and crave to be loved. However, due to human nature, we tend to complicate everything, even love. 

If one is in a happy and non-complicated relationship, it eventually bores them with the lack of thrills and excitement. 

On the other hand, being in a volatile relationship can be disastrous and scarring for ones mental mind eventually leading to the inevitable separation of both parties.

Some people are fortunate to meet their soul mates in their partner. Most often, we don't. I think ideally, it is great to be with a partner who understands, empathises and inspires, if not, at least, bring out the better side in you.

Mr. C and I, unfortunately, don't seem to be either of those. Despite that  coupled with our differences and incompatibilities, our relationship somehow works. And that is reality. Not Prince Charming, not Mr. Right. Those two gentlemen and happy endings that we see in Hollywood movies just aren't the realities of our world. 

BUT if you do so happen to have at least one of those three 'dreams', then good on you! Treasure what you have and don't wait to lose it to only realise the full depths of your loss.

In every boy girl relationship, even with similarities, there are bound to be differences. The magnitude of the differences and how one handles it determines the fate of the relationship. I reckon, when one is young ie teens or uni years, one may lack the maturity and life experience to handle situations well.

When we learn to accept and overcome arguments, situations and whatever obstacles life throws at us (sometimes, we are the guilty party putting ourselves in that position), it builds our character, who we are. 

If one has a pretty smooth sailing life with few worries, stress or tension, it doesn't mean that person lacks character. One just may not be as well equipped as someone who has been through it all.

 

These days, true and sincere love is hard to find. People are selfish and tend to think of 'me, myself and I'. It's not what I can do for others but what others can do for me. If we say we love someone, do we mean it? Or is it just said in the heat of passion? 

Age old question: can we differentiate between love and lust?

Being in Australia, I noticed that sex is talked about much and in mainstream media. In movies and series, news and documentaries, the radio, it's all about sex, sex, sex. Even if you're not interested, it's pretty much in your face. The way of dressing, how people carry themselves, it oozes with sensuality.

One night stands are a norm. Divorces and separation are probably more common than healthy marriages. In fact, don't be surprised but people no longer deem it necessary to officiate and legalise their relationship in holy matrimony. 

To them, it's just a piece of paper. 

To them, why bother marrying if it limits a person. Why bother marrying if people eventually fall out of love?

I think, God really had it right. Having premarital sex is definitely not ideally. This is just my opinion. Me, thinking out loud. You may think me old school (and perhaps I am, for thinking so) but the idea of love making is just that, to create intimacy between couples. With that intimacy, it brings couples closer. 

However, when intimacy is trust upon a couple who aren't ready, then, things tend to spiral out of control. And most cases, people have sex not because of their love for one another but just because the heat of the moment. One kiss leads to another and from first base, it's next to second.

It is not the main criteria of a successful and happy relationship, that's for sure. And that is why God meant for it to be between a husband and a wife. We live in a time where the message is to 'just do it', to go with ones feelings and to hell with the consequences.

But with every decisions, choices and path we take, we inevitably have to live the consequences. 

 

 

When we are a child, our world is less complicated. Everything is black and white. Right and wrong is as clear as day and night. However, as we grow and step into adulthood, we stepped into a world full of grey areas. We justify the wrongs we do till they are right. 

Nothing is as simple as 1, 2, 3 anymore. We no longer have to contend with eat, sleep and homework only. People fall in and out of love and change partners like changing clothes. Cheating on ones partner is hardly news. 

Just yesterday, news broke about Kirsten Steward's infidelity and Robert Pattinson moving out. Anyways, I think it's between the two of them and we do not know all the facts. Besides, to err is human.

Nevertheless, I think, it will BE news if Hollywood couples can survive their first and only healthy, happy marriage that was meant to be 'until death do us apart'.

That being said, my life view used to be black and white. Cheating is wrong, no excuses. Now, I still say that cheating is wrong but I have come to realise that it often happens for a reason, if not many. 

An unhappy and unfulfilled relationship is usually the cause. But like I've said in pasts posts, people engage in promiscuity just 'cos they can and because it gives them excitement. With modern times and the many opportunities available, instead of working things out, we take the easy way out, by cheating or breaking up.

To get good returns, we must invest. To have a good career, we must invest in good education. And just like everything else in life, to have good relationship, we need to work hard. We need to invest time, effort, understanding and lots of patience.

And it never gets easier. It's constant hard work. Anything good usually requires hard, honest work. It is true that sometimes, we do fall in love with someone who isn't necessarily right for us. And at times, we end up with someone who isn't our one true love (if you believe in all that jazz) but it doesn't mean the relationship can't work out.

It only means that both parties need to decide if the other is worth the effort. I can't say it any plainer than the next image below.

A lazy Saturday

I don't know but off late, it has been a struggle to write. I have loads to share but when I do sit in front of my laptop, I am either back on Facebook checking friend's statuses, uploading pictures, replying meassages or am just clearing my emails. There are so many stories to talk about from J & G's visit, Mr. C's parents' visit and even now, my own family. However, I struggle to put how I feel, what I experience into words that I end up saying nothing.

Well, today, I am back. Today is pretty much a relaxing day. Have had few and precious days like this.

Today, Mr. C went for a long overdue haircut. Then, we went to Dan Murphy's as my *cough cough* goody sister have been wanting to buy some drink. Lols. We prolly will attempt to make Tiramisu one of these days with this.

 

This drink has a WORM inside!!!

It's not an accident... rather the worm is inside deliberately.

 

A slightly heavier me enjoying my smooth tau foo fa

After that, we headed to Shirley's Grocery at Scoresby for some light shopping. Mr. C had Sharon's Bak Zhang whilst I had Aunt Shirley's Tau Foo Fa. I really love the smooth and sweet Tau Foo Fa. On good and happy days like this, Mr. C relents and buys a tub for me!

If you want relatively reasonable priced groceries especially Asian groceries, Aunt Shirley's most likely will have it. Weekends, you can get fresh Nasi Lemak and curry puffs too, to name a few food to buy. BUT Tau Foo Fa is a MUST buy!! You won't regret it. The few people I recommend it to always consume it happily. In fact, on some days, if you're unlucky, you'll reach Aunt Shirley's only to find out they've sold out on it! ;(

Feeling SLEEEPPPY. I feel like having a catnap before we head into the city to meet my youngest uncle for dinner.  See, that's why I end up not blogging much. Who wants to read boring and unexciting posts like this? ;p

Toodles... *snoressss*

Something borrowed and cheating

Watched this on my Sammie 2 on the flight home from Malaysia. Some scenes just made me tear much to Mr. C's chagrin. He really can't bear to see me in tears. Not that he is embarrassed by me but that he can't stand to see me sad. Then again, I doubt he understand my tears.

The story is basically about Rachel (the brunette) who has always loved Dex from law school, whom she inadvertently introduced to her best friend, Darcy (blondie Kate Hudson) and now, after six years of being together, they are engaged to be married. 

What is sad is that it was obvious that Dex and Rachel had feelings for each other from day one but they both just never did expressed them. She, thinking how can a guy like him fall for a girl like her and him? God and him only knows what was going on in his mind.

And because he thought that she had no feelings for him, he moved on... to Darcy. After all, who can blame him? Darcy is vivacious and full of life. If you don't try, you'll never know what you might be missing out on... right? 

So, Dex and Darcy dates and progresses to the next step after six years - marriage. However, after Rachel's 30th 'surprised' birthday thrown by Darcy - despite knowing that Rachel doesn't like this kind of surprises - Rachel off handedly mentions her law school crush on Dex over drinks with just the two of them, leading to them getting involved (you know what I mean, I don't have to spell it out) and complicating things.

It's a messy thing to be in. Cheating on your best friend's fiancé? Even if that is the person you had dibs. Even if that person is the love of your life. Cheating on your fiancé's best friend? Even if she was the one you first loved but never had the courage to say anything. 

I won't tell you how that works out in the end but I am sure many of you have been in similar boats as this or know people who are or was in such situation. It confounds the mind what situations we put ourselves in, at times. Misery does love company and so, we sink into such depths.

But at the end of it all, does reality works out like in the movies? You tell me.

TIM thighs and TAM tummies

Although I am an engaged woman, I don't feel like one. I still refer to Mr. C as 'boyfriend' and not fiance. My friends would stressed the obvious fact to me that since I am engaged, logically speaking that makes Mr. C my fiance prompting me to inform them that it just feels strange calling him so. Especially when we don't act adultish nor matureish. And fiances are supposed to be for mature, responsible adults right? Bingo. And there you have it!

Despite me turning 26 in November, I still don't feel like a 26 year old. What do I mean by being a 26 year old, you might ask. Well, for one, I don't look my age. Most of the times, people tend to minus off at least 3 years to my actual age. As a woman, I guess I should take that as a compliment. Youthful looks. Now, if only I have flawless complexion, that would really make my day.

Even associating myself in the same sentence with the word "woman" is laughable. When you see how I look you'll comprehend my meaning. I probably look more like a Uni student or someone in their early 20's. Maybe the fact that I don't dress up much either contributes to my not looking my age.

Obviously being engaged, it leads to the next step- marriage. Don't ask when the big date is because we, ourselves don't have an exact date planned out yet. Tentatively, it'll be end 2011. Whether it happens, that is a long and different story altogether.

Which leaves me with plenty of time to lose any unwanted weight and shine as a stunning, beautiful and radiant bride. Right??!! More than 12 months and 1Kg for each month sounds doable. Right??!!

BUT living here in Brissie isn't helping. In 4 weeks, I've put on the 3kgs that I lost in the beginning part of the year. Bummer.

The reason why I put on weight is due to low metabolism and I do have heavy bones. When I told a guy friend that a few weeks back, he laughed at me and said that I was just making excuses to console myself. I thought he was a jerk for saying so. But I realised, when I hang out with that guy friend, I tend to lose more weight. I dunno if it's the ribbing that gets to me or what but I just do.

Enemy #1 - Bubble tea

Enemy #2 - Tim Tams

Enemy #3 - Arnotts Biscuits or Cottage cookies

Enemy #4 - Chips

Enemy #5 - Coffee

It's time to cut down on my cheer-me-up food or perhaps I should do double time at the treadmill or jog at the park to offset the junk I input into my system. Maybe even swim in the chilly winter weather might help me burn off more fats.

Mr. Jerk said that if I ever lost weight/fats and be slim, a lot of guys would come after me. Wonder what does that have to do with anything. As if I would need any unwanted attention as an engaged lady. =p

I have been gaining weight ever since going out with Mr. C rewinding back 10 years ago. My ideal weight now should be my weight 10 years ago before I met him. Ditch him? Muahaha. Kidding.
This is going to be one tough battle to fight. Anyone who is out to lose weight can tell you that. And I hope to come out of it- a winner. A slimmer one. =) *fingers crossed*