T.I.R.E.D

sigh. tired of coughing.
tired of having headaches and backaches.
then again, it offers me a mini reprieve from work.
however, work will pile on.
meaning that i'll have to put in extra hours to make up for it.

=(

trying to do some work.
but my head's spinning.
sigh. thinking of all the work i have to do just overwhelms me.

sobs. and missing u doesn't help things either.

Filtered

there is so much to say, so much to blog but as i sit here in my room typing this, words just fails me. few days back, i wanted to blog so much about office politics, the injustice, about the stupid idea to merge departments and how politics at my department itself was getting back but now with the so-called-intergration, politics just worsen. i wanted to blog about a certain someone or about how i hate work (which is probably nothing new) from day 1 and it's now approximately at least 1176 days since i ve started work and unfortunately, am still stuck here. i wanted to blog about how stupid our government can be or how stupid inconsiderate drivers are on the road and i hope they all die a horrendous death.

then again, who am i kidding? what is freedom of speech? i used to blog more openly. i may not specifically mention names or specific circumstances but at least, i blogged more freely. Now, i just blog superficially and about nothing of much importance. but then again, that's life isn't it? we're all so focused on the surface, the superficial. your bosses or managers only want to see the outcome. they don't give two hoots how you get it but they just want to see results.

we have so-called-debrief meetings where we air our grievances or rather our disgruntlements but at the end of it, we all know, it's all talk and no action. we waste our time on these meetings when we know that the managers nor partners will do anything about it at all! do they even give a damn??!!

this is malaysia for crying out loud. who cares about overworked staff? who cares if you work hard and long hours and don't claim OT or any other compensation? perhaps if you had certain "kulitfication" or a certain connection, u can get away with well... maybe anything! and now, they've decided not to promote ppl who are due for June promotion. Well, that's swell news for those ppl. oh well, then again, that's the "fairness" of working life.

now, if only we will stop bitching about it and actually do something. i mean, if EVERYONE in the department actually go on strike on Monday and not work at all. I am sure that will probably lead to an outcome somehow. We can also invite the press, after all, tv3 is just next door!! then again, the phobia would be we might get fired but do u really thing that that would be the case and leave others to well, pick up our work when they're already overworked themselves??

hmmm.....

A friend

i ve become someone i never saw myself to be.

lies become truths.

white and back blurs to grey.

i can't believe u replied me. i hope and yet i daren't hope.

hope that maybe things will change. that perhaps, u'll make up for those lost years.

i can't believe u remembered those years...

smashing lights, u breaking ur tooth. childlike escapades.

i thought u had forgotten them. that i didn't matter anymore.

after all, i was ur past.

do you remember after watching a bruce lee movie, we said we'll play imaginary boxing without actually punching (touching) each other but i accidentally punched u n u bled?

do u remember how u'll imitate movie characters n my mum will retell it to others?

or how we will write the names of our "puppy love" on a piece of paper and swap papers?

do u remember how u tore my bro's RM5 note cos u were pissed over sth?

or how he hid ur wallet or was it u, hiding his?

do you remember how we would play in the rain?

or make paper boats n run out in the rain to the big drain, letting our boats be swept away?

and i always wondered why did dogs bite u?

i wonder if things will change or will it remain the same between us.

whatever it may be, i m always here.

somehow, this is part of me.

being hurt and yet still being there.

maybe this is my calling. my purpose.

even when i feel like a spotlight or a third wheel.

i try to be understanding and still be there.

it's tough. that's life. perhaps i m a sucker for pain.

there are lots of ppl out there who just needs someone.

an ear, a shoulder, a hand, a friend.

and that's what i try to be..

a friend

life

if you keep telling yourself a lie; eventually it becomes a truth.

Missing you

I just got back from office. yup. at 3.15am. And yes, I went to work on a public holiday. And yes, i have to wake up by8am which would be in 4 hours time. However, while waiting for my hair to dry, I have to look through and prepare for my new client tomorrow.

It's just fantastic as I have to submit my work to my manager by Thursday meaning I only have tomorrow and Wednesday to complete my work. Sheesh. I have to work late but I can't claim OT due to my so-called-senior status. Ridiculous isn't it that at this level, we can't claim anymore OT as we're only supposed to review our juniors work and not work late. Such balderdashness.

Then again, who am I to complain when lots of other people can't even claim OT at all. Guess, I feel so because I need the OT hours as I have utilised my annual leaves for my upcoming study break in April. I hope I pass both papers this round as I won't have any leaves left and I am so sick of studying something that I feel is of no value to me. It just goes in and out. I don't know why I can't seem to absorb and even sometimes understand all this theories and technical stuff. I wished I could take my exams in the land down under but the last core paper is tough and well, I'll need to look for a study group to discuss the case study. Sigh.

Dread that I'll have to work late again tomorrow night.

It's generally hard as I still am missing you terribly.

My goodbyes

there are so many goodbyes to say..

Goodbye to 2008 yes.. i know that i m late in my faretheewells. However, it's always better late than never, right? Well, 2008 wasn't a year to shout about. i was seconded to JB in Jan-March. Visited the bf in July. my family bought a new house end year. Beyond that, it was a pretty uneventful year. Resolutions weren't kept and met. I am still in the same job. I still look the same. Think the same. Act the same. Then again, perhaps not.

and of course Goodbye to no.29. i miss no.29. I am not referring to the dust and the mess and the chaos but to the space, the familiarity and the memories there for the past 20 years. my childhood years. kindergarten, primary, secondary life. the 16th and 21st bday party and also the christmas parties held and so on and so forth.

i always knew i had to say Goodbye to my dear but knowing and saying goodbye doesn't seem to get any easier everytime we part. Neither does it spare me the sadness and the tears. Everything and wverywhere reminds me of you. When i watched a movie just now, it reminded me of you. When i went to Wah Sek Kai @ SS2 for dinner, it reminded me of you. Just looking at bolsty lying on my bed now, reminds me of you. And how i miss your smile. your hugs. your presence.

I guess it goes without saying that bidding goodbye seems to be a necessity and part and parcel of life.

With a goodbye comes a future "hello" and i hope i can say that "hello" to you sometime soon.

for now, I wish i could stop feeling miserable.. the hollow ache in my heart.. but it's hard and there's no one to turn to.