Beautiful skies

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Today, the skies were just spectacular. 

Cottony clouds filled the vast, clear, blue skies. 

It really cheers up ones disposition to be greeted with such glorious view early in the morning, on the way to work. Work has been straining and tiring off late, draining my energy and positivity, at times. 

However, beautiful weather does have a tendency to turn my frown into a smile. Even in the evening, on the way home, the skies were just magnificent. 

I like to think it's one of God's ways to let me know He is always there, watching over me.

8.31am On the way to work

 

 

5.13pm Going home time

 

Thank you, my beautiful Lord for such beautiful weather and view today.

The benefits of meditation

 

I have been remissed in my meditation on God and His word. Gosh. Just like that, it's almost the end of January of 2013!! Got to buck up and do something about it eh...

I went to church

I met Marcus at T2 on Thursday whilst looking for birthday presents for Aunt M and a few other people. We talked about the various teas offered at T2 and due to his friendly nature, one topic led to another. 

We talked about the tea tastes and our backgrounds; him, being born in Aussie with Singaporean parents but lived and schooled in Singapore till high school where he moved back Aussie and we somehow talked about what church he is from. 

So, today, Mr. C aka Mr. Hubby and I decided to check it out... Grace Church on Koomba Road, off Mountain Highway. This is the second week, soft launch of the second service at 11am, aiming towards those in their 20's and 30's and not necessarily Christians.

People seemed friendly. Marcus sought out Mr. Hubby and I after the service. Sharp dude to notice us before we slipped away. :) And Andrew, who greeted us at the entrance before the service came to say 'hi' after the service. Friendly chap.

That's one thing great about smaller sized congregation, it is easier to notice new comers and givesthe opportunity for church members to perfect their hospitality in greeting and meeting newbies, like Mr. Hubby and I!

The church's car park was filled with Sakura, or rather Cherry Blossoms! So pretty to looked at! Told Mr. Hubby I would like to plant this beautiful flowers at our future home. It's like we're in Japan... but we're not. ;p

 

 

 

 

We headed to Rich Maha, 10 minutes away for lunch. Greeted with a queue of people waiting to give their orders. After a whift of the beautiful smelling curry that just transports me back to Malaysia, we decided to brave the queue and wait our turn. 

Today, I was a good girl and listened to Mr. Hubby and not bugged him to order teh tarik for me. :(

The first few times we patron this place, the tea was lovely. Not too sweet nor thick like the ones back home. However. the last two times we came, the tea was extremely sweet much to Mr. Hubby's horror. 

He can be quite a health food conscious freak most times being a party pooper to my parties. 

I love, love indian food and this is the closest I can get to the one's like in Malaysia. I had a roti and naan with curry chicken to share with Mr. Hubby despite him ordering his rojak. I think the fish curry here is EVEN better than the ones back home! Slurrrrp....

Mr. Hubby's rojak

I am free

 

I have whinged about it. Been upset about it. Screamed and raged over it. I, even cried overwhelmed by it. Who knows?? Maybe lost a friend or two over it. But it isn't a burden and it shouldn't be seen or felt as a burden. It definitely isn't something everyone has or can handle. In fact, it is not for everyone or just anyone. I think, it is a gift, a privilege and with this realisation, I am set free.

I was listening to Jay Chow songs at work and getting all emotional. Somehow, his songs have the tendency to take me down memory lane to a time in my life where someone played a rather significant role. And I find it interesting how I was at the precipice of emotional gloom and then (unrelated), with the above realisation (out of no where, really), I felt lighter, happier. That's what acceptance can do for a person.

I reckon it's got something to do with the prayer I said whilst driving to work. I asked God to take my fears, my insecurities, my negative thoughts and feelings away and fill me with His love and peace. That I may be a light for him, a blessing to anyone around me, whomever I come into contact with.

I know.. it does sound so cliche but that was what I prayed for. It was a simple prayer and yet, I felt a difference. 

I felt lighter than I have for the past few weeks. Free as a bird. Lifted high as I soar above. 

And all without alcohol. :) Incredible isn't it? Lol. Never did have that love hate deal with alcohol. I just have chocolate or some yum coffee drink with biscuits. Now, that's my cure and sadly, my weakness.

The upset me of today

That's rather true.. I'll be bruised.

I want to but I don't know how to, makes sense?

  

 

Sometimes, good intentions are redundant when no one sees it

All these sayings and quotes are what I should tell myself every single day. Especially on days I feel this way, right now. Have you ever tell yourself you're going to change and you really do try to but somehow, nothing changes? 

Well, that's been me for this past week. Heck, maybe for the past 6 months!! I've been struggling and struggling and struggling and its eating into me. Someone said that she'll come and help but she's come and gone and nothing's changed.

I KNOW I have to change. I tell myself I HAVE to change. That things have to change. But everything is pretty much the same as before, only worst. Well, in my opinion that is.

Don't you hate it when this happen? You tell yourself.. ok, tomorrow is a new day, I'll do better. But when the day comes, you repeat the same mistakes or struggle to stay true to your word. It frustrates me to the core... it upsets me. It erodes what little confidence I have left in myself. Even the simplest thing, I doubt my capability to see it through.

Just a simple thing and I can't even do it. And that one thing leads to another, and before you know it, it's a mountainous of things not done that should've been done ages back. 

Everyone's moving on with their lives. People my age, my ex-colleagues are mostly now at management position. They go travelling, have cars, houses, babies and most people seem to have a support group.. people to call  their very own people. 

I was part of those people's journey so, why do I feel like I was never there in the first place? Why do I  care so bloody much, investing myself when nobody seems to care? Why do I bother the extra mile when no one gives a fig? Most times, it feels like a superheroes' powers; a gift and yet a curse, only in my case, it's not a super power.

But I just got to tell myself that...

 

 

And it's true, I should sleep less. I LOVE my sleep. Mr. C is amazed at the amount of hours I can sleep. Now that I am working part time, I miss my sleep. I miss my 'bumming' days. I miss my stay home days. But perhaps, inactivity is bad. 

There really is so much to do but this past few months, I seem to have lost my mojo to blog/write and even taking pictures. I hardly ever take pictures unless I am using my Sammie2. Even then, the poor quality frustrates me. Things I used to love, I seem to have fallen out of love for them.

Maybe it's depression.. or patheticness or whatever you want to call it. Whatever it may be, there's no one to deal with it but myself. It's true, nobody really gives a rat ass if you're  miserable. And if they do, I don't hear or see them. 

At the end of the day, it's always to say and think about all these beautiful quotes but to really live them? Now, that's a worthy challenge. But with the simplest thing I fail to even muster the strength to do, I can only pray and ask for divine intervention. 

When the day ends and the months lead to years, there is so much a person can do on their very own strength. And if we rely on our self, there will be a breaking point. It's just a matter of when. 

Despite my unfaithfulness, God is every faithful. Despite my questionings and whinging, God's still there, watching over me. I want what I want but I admit, I don't put the effort required to have it. And it's still an ongoing struggle to put my trust in Him, to continually walk and talk to Him. 

Maybe that's why, things happen. They happen for many reasons if not, just one. It's what we want to see and make of it and do about it. So, time to challenge myself and not be afraid to explore.

Last week of Lent

More than a month ago, end of February, I decided to give up two things during the period of Lent which I blogged about HERE; tea and Facebook. How did I fare in the past month? To be honest, I am ashame to say it outloud but I will tell the truth and shame the devil, I wasn't 100% committed. 

I had my good days and my off days On my good days, I managed not to scratch the itch to log on to Facebook. On the off days, which is almost at least once a week, I succumbed to my weakness and logged in for a few minutes only to take hold of myself, and force my fingers to click the 'x' button at the top right corner of my screen.

And I'd get pretty upset with myself for my weakness and ill discipline.

As the weeks passed, it was actually easier not to even think about Facebook. I realised I think of logging on whenever a friend comes to mind and I wondered how they were doing or whenever I took a good photo and wanted to upload it to my photo album. 

On more occasions than one, whenever I am waiting for someone or felt bored and restless, that was when the urge to tap on 'Facebook' via my handphone was compelling.

In regards to my milk tea fasting, I was pretty faithful which is really good as I usually have at least one to two cups daily. However, since my in-laws came, I somehow lost the plot, gave in and drank tea almost every day. 

It was as if I gave up. Maybe in a way I did. I felt that despite my intentions at the start of Lent, I hardly prayed nor meditate on His word. And just by 'fasting' which wasn't even sincere since I didn't kept to it 100%, it didn't feel right. Somehow, it felt like I had mucked things up and my fasting lost all meaning.

In the end (following from my Ash Wednesday blog post) sadly, I was hooked watching series. Hence, I slept late watching them. Woke up late in the afternoon only to continue watching till Mr. C came back from work. The many series that I was engrossed with were entertaining, gripping and well, a complete waste of time. 

I realised, too late, that perhaps, I should have fasted off all social networks, movies AND series. Maybe then, I would have managed my time better. I had wanted to do so many things but ended up achieving none.

I may not have been 100% faithful to God in the past month but I need to pull myself together (despite my approaching PMS time again), time is lost and cannot be regained, however, what I do next is what counts. I can't change what I've done in the past but I can choose my path to take in the future.

And although Easter Sunday is in a couple of days time and I get to officially go back to my Facebook and tea regime, I think I need to rethink all of this and decide a game plan what to do moving forward.

Please be kind in your thoughts of me and reserve judgement. I know I am flawed and because of this imperfection, I need Him. I realised I am happier and feel life's purposes when I go to church. Not Catholic church thought. 

Time to stop waiting and depending on others and just do what needs to be done. So, objective for the next 2-3 months, to go to church, every single Sunday. I must at least go four weeks straight in a row. 

And I hope to report that I am successful in this endeavour. 

For those who were successful in keeping to your fasting during the Lent period, good on you! And for those who weren't, like me, fret not, but keep your head high and continue forging on doing your best to be a better you. For you and for God. ;)

Now, to prepare our hearts for Good Friday leading up to Easter Sunday.

Palm Sunday

Today is Palm Sunday. To those who haven't the faintest, it is the Sunday before Easter Sunday. 

Let's put things in the most simplest form to understand. Good Friday is the day Christians reflect on Jesus dying on the cross for all of us where else Easter Sunday is the day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ as foretold many years before it actually took place.

And no, Easter isn't about Easter eggs nor the famed Easter Bunny. In Australia, even in January, shops were selling chocolate easter eggs and bunnies!

Ok. Back to serious matter. ;p

So, what is this Palm Sunday about besides being the Sunday before Easter Sunday? It is the time where we commemorate Jesus' entry into Jerusalem.

This year, I went to Mr. C's Catholic church, St. Simon's and palms were distributed. Then again, it felt more like the Christmas sort of tree leaves than actual palms. Not to say I really know how palm looks like. ;p We were asked to go back out the entrance where Father Jim sprinkled holy water onto the congregation and then, said a prayer. Shortly after, we walked back into the pews and waved the palms.

I get the waving of palms 'cos that's what the people did in Jerusalem as they welcomed Jesus into their town. And we did just that in memory of that day many years, if not, many hundreds to thousands of years ago. What I didn't get was the sprinkling of holy water. Perhaps, holy water and all is a Catholic church's thing. 

Besides, I still feel like an alien in a Catholic Church. I don't feel like I belong. Mass is very different from the type of services I am accustomed to. Here, it involves lots of standing and sitting in between and mass is for an hour where else in Protestant churches, services last for about 1 to 2 hours. 

Mainly, I just feel upset when I don't get to participate in holy communion. This really disturbs me. In a Protestant church, most of them allow the congregation to partake if they believe and accept Jesus into their lives. In a Catholic church, it would seem that they are more particular, allowing one's participation only if one has been baptised as a Catholic.

It makes me feel like I am in an exclusive club. Not here to criticise or insult the church. Any church as a matter of fact. I am just here to voice my frustrations. Shouldn't it matter that as long as we believe in Jesus and God, we should be allowed to remember the body and blood he sacrificed as we take holy communion? Why must I be a Catholic only to be able to do so?  Just doesn't seem right.

This week, the only highlight for me was the two songs they sang that I knew, "Above All" and "One Way". I really hope that Mr. C and I can settle down happily in a church we BOTH feel comfortable and happy in. But at this point of time, it feels like an impossible feat and a tall order to fill. 

I have to remind myself... have faith that God will lead us to the right one, somehow. I am tired of feeling frustrated. Of wanting to know more of God but yet, not being faithful in my prayers and reading of His word. Of not going to church as regularly as I should. I struggle but I don't know how to get out of this pit.

Life is alright. I shouldn't complain but I know, there's got to be more than this. I have so much to give and so much to learn. I don't want to be just a Christian in name but in every sense it should represent. All's not too late, it's only April, eight more months to forge on. 

We shall see when December comes and hopefully, I won't be stuck in this same spot.

If I could be...

#1 A WRITER and pen my first novel... of course, a best seller that would open oh-so-many doors and lead to many more with raving reviews. I am alright if people don't recognised me off the streets but when they here my pen name, they'll know who I am. Now, how awesome that would be.

#2 A PHOTOGRAPHER and make a living out of capturing each and everyone's special occasion and moments may it be a wedding, a pregnancy, the birth of a firstborn, a family or just some random stranger of the street. Getting paid to capturing emotions and happy times whilst receiving praises for a job well done, now, how awesome that would be.

#3 A COOK/BAKER and make hoards and hoards of scrumptious and delectable dishes and desserts from the comforts of my own kitchen and who knows? Open my own shop. Now, how awesome that would be.

#4 A BLOGGER by profession and I get to stay home, go to events, get freebies to keep and/to  review, and all at my time and leisure. Now, how awesome that would be.

It is said that "A pessimist will see the difficulty in every opportunity and an Optimist will see an opportunity in every difficulty" and I find it true. Oh so very true. I may have come a long way from the super Eeyore me of two years ago but the fact that I seem to always think of the cons more than the pros, deluding myself that I am being pragmatic says a fair bit of my optimism, or lack of.

In actual fact, I can do any of the above if I put myself to it. All of us can but we tend to let the world's pressure cave us into decisions we feel we have to take 'cos we're 'responsible adults'. LOL. And if it is not the world, then it is family or friends with their strong and fixed opinions and comments on what one should do rather than what one could do.

So, the question that begs to be answered, as usual, is.. do I conform to what society and certain people think I should do or do I rebel and pursue what I think I would like to do? Follow my heart.. my dream? Then again, seeing how I have more than one dream, it is hard to focus solely on one and make it happen when I am thinking about the other dreams.

And up to this point of time, I still have yet to figure out what I am good at, really good at and what areas to pursue. Like I said, it appears that I am a Jack of all trades and master of none. If I knew what I would love to do, it'll make life decisions so much more easier.

In the later part of 2009, when I left my Audit job without another company's job offer, many said I was being impractical and irresponsible and yada yada yada. If you were not in my shoes, who were you then to judge or give your two cents worth? I knew that I was at a really unhealthy point in my life dwelling on really unhealthy thoughts and to save myself, I just had to get out, no matter the cost and consequences. Even then, I didn't just up and left.

I left my job AFTER my attempt to switch departments didn't materialised. If I couldn't do something other than audit in the same company, then, I had no choice but to leave. And in my heart of hearts, I trusted that God would give me a job; but whether I would like that job was a different question. 

True enough, in less than a month of unemployment, I was called in for an interview, given a job that was willing to let me start three months later in the new year and agreed to further increase my pay upon passing both required tests for the relevant role.

Then, I didn't trust God enough to give me a job that paid and that I'd love. Oh, I was of little faith. But now, I don't think it is too much to trust that God will give me a job that I would like, perhaps if asking to love my job is a little too much, and that the job will pay well. Needless to say, I am not expecting a CEO or MD position or the extremely ka-ching pay that comes with it. 

After all, God knows me best; He knows my innermost thoughts that perhaps, not even Mr. C knows. How can he when sometimes, I don't even know myself? And if God knows me well, then, he'd know what job will suit me the most and where I will thrive.

And that is what I prayed again last night. For Him to provide that job and preferably that I'd KNOW when the job opportunity does come. I am, of course, not expecting the job to just fall in my lap without lifting a single finger. For Him to do His part, I have to do my own too. Research, research, research and apply, apply and apply! 

So, to all other job hunters out there, all the best to you too! ;) 

Don't forget, we can be who we want to be and where we crave to be but are we willing to bear the cost and take the necessary measures to reach that desired place? Only you will know.

Lent and fasting

I'll be out today bringing a friend I met back home in Malaysia who'd be visiting from Queensland around city. Definitely will help with my no FB and no milk tea diet. I'll just have Char Koay Teow or Ying Thai's yum Tom Yam Sai Sen and try out the coffee cafes!!!

Wheee.... Ok. I am making light of Lent but... it's serious stuff and I am serious about it.

I find it a struggle squelching my urge to post any good article's or blog post on FB! My sister whatasapped me saying I should fast from all social network including Plurk and Twitter since it's similar concept. Gosh. I'll try FB first for this first week and see how things goes. ;)

Taking the train into city soon.

Ash Wednesday

I was informed that 'Lent is a period of repentance and preparation in the Church calender as Christians prepare for Good Friday and Easter'. Lent begins on Ash Wednesday which is today, and lasts for 46days all the way till Easter Sunday.

Firstly, what on earth is Ash Wednesday?? I had to google it myself to gain some understanding. And my understanding for now is that #1 It is the day after Shrove Tuesday and also the first day of Lent. #2 Some churches, commonly the more traditional ones, hold services and it is customary to mark the foreheads of participants with ashes from burnt palms gathered from previous year's Palm Sunday as a sign of mourning and repentance to God.

Now, you're probably asking what's Shrove Tuesday. Clicked the link for a write up on it. Once again, this are all new stuff to me. From what I gather... #1 It's the day before Ash Wednesday. #2 Also known as Mardi Gras and even pancake day! #3 It's something like, let's eat and celebrate before the start of actual fasting on Ash Wednesday onwards. In olden times, people tend to fast food but in modern times like now, food isn't the only thing one can fast from.

The purpose of Lent is a time of preparation leading up to Easter Sunday and it's done through prayer, repentance and self-denial. And when I say self-denial, it means taking this time to fast from something one is mostly attached to and would love to give up for this 46 days as a form of spiritual discipline and we can decide whatever it is we want to fast from; it could be coffee, chocolates, meat even Facebook!! It's to sacrifice what means more to us, whatever that takes up a lot of our time and perhaps, use this 'freed' time for better activities. And also to remember what God has sacrificed for us, Jesus.

This year, I've decided to participate in the fasting period of Lent. Hence, today is the day I start my 'fasting'. And I've decided to fast from Facebook and Tea.

Lots of my friends and Mr. C's have commented in a joking manner that I am perpetually on FB. Constantly spamming their walls with status updates, pictures and what not. I guess, with lots of time at hand, and my need to be updated of news about friends and families, I am almost always on FB. If not, when I've taken any nice pictures, I, somehow feel compelled to share the picture. At times, it's articles I've read or interesting quotes/sayings.

If not, when I am out with Mr. C or friends, when everyone's occupied with their own conversation or thoughts and I am left to my own devices, it is second nature to just whip out my smartphone and check FB and emails! However, I don't do it in a rude manner.

Generally, I think it is rude to go out with friends and family only to be tinkering away at one's handphone the whole time. Might as well stay home and not bother coming out in the first place! Unfortunately, it's a common sight these days. You'll see a group of people at a table, maybe out for drinks or meals, but majority (or at least one) will be glued to their handphone, either to reply a text, check FB, play a game and the list goes on.

At home, Mr. C has imposed a NO handphone usage rule at the dining table and I think it's a good idea! I admit, I do get carried away at times. He only allows me to use it to take some photos of our meal and that's it. Handphones away for the rest of the meal.

So, basically, 46 days of NO Facebook and NO tea. ;(

Hey, who knows? I might have more time to actually make good use of my time. Hopefully, won't succumb to watching tv series eh. Was previously hooked on Once Upon A Time and before that, Body of Proof. Next up, Blue Bloods!

If you haven't watched any of this, what are you waiting for?! Clicked the coloured link to read more on the series beforehand.

Toodles...

Unfaithful me

I am so sorry.

So very sorry for my faithlessness, my infidelities.

Instead of being faithful to You and staying true,

I have wandered of the path of righteousness, once again.

It is so much more easier to read a novel for 3 hours,

Watch series upon series like an addiction.

Spend hours to days to weeks surfing the net,

and yet not make any time for You.

You, who have blessed me so much.

You, who have given me abundantly.

You, who held my hand all those times.

Carrying me when I was weak,

when I was down

but just never knew then.

Today at church,

just worshiping you and singing words of praise,

tears flow down my cheeks

as I am filled with a sense of gratitude

and I feel blessed once again.

That despite our ups and many downs,

You've blessed me with Mr. C,

amongst other things.

Forgive my roaming heart,

my lack of discipline,

for not reading your word

for not talking with you often

and for not being diligent in my walk with you.

As we approach the end of a good year,

and as we usher in a new and (hopefully) better year,

I pray that I will be more faithful,

more diligent, more trusting,

of You and Your word.

So, that I can walk my talk

and be a living, breathing testimony

for you.

That people will see You

Your works, Your miracles, Your truth,

as I live my life.

Not by my words alone,

but through my thoughts and actions.