The upset me of today

That's rather true.. I'll be bruised.

I want to but I don't know how to, makes sense?

  

 

Sometimes, good intentions are redundant when no one sees it

All these sayings and quotes are what I should tell myself every single day. Especially on days I feel this way, right now. Have you ever tell yourself you're going to change and you really do try to but somehow, nothing changes? 

Well, that's been me for this past week. Heck, maybe for the past 6 months!! I've been struggling and struggling and struggling and its eating into me. Someone said that she'll come and help but she's come and gone and nothing's changed.

I KNOW I have to change. I tell myself I HAVE to change. That things have to change. But everything is pretty much the same as before, only worst. Well, in my opinion that is.

Don't you hate it when this happen? You tell yourself.. ok, tomorrow is a new day, I'll do better. But when the day comes, you repeat the same mistakes or struggle to stay true to your word. It frustrates me to the core... it upsets me. It erodes what little confidence I have left in myself. Even the simplest thing, I doubt my capability to see it through.

Just a simple thing and I can't even do it. And that one thing leads to another, and before you know it, it's a mountainous of things not done that should've been done ages back. 

Everyone's moving on with their lives. People my age, my ex-colleagues are mostly now at management position. They go travelling, have cars, houses, babies and most people seem to have a support group.. people to call  their very own people. 

I was part of those people's journey so, why do I feel like I was never there in the first place? Why do I  care so bloody much, investing myself when nobody seems to care? Why do I bother the extra mile when no one gives a fig? Most times, it feels like a superheroes' powers; a gift and yet a curse, only in my case, it's not a super power.

But I just got to tell myself that...

 

 

And it's true, I should sleep less. I LOVE my sleep. Mr. C is amazed at the amount of hours I can sleep. Now that I am working part time, I miss my sleep. I miss my 'bumming' days. I miss my stay home days. But perhaps, inactivity is bad. 

There really is so much to do but this past few months, I seem to have lost my mojo to blog/write and even taking pictures. I hardly ever take pictures unless I am using my Sammie2. Even then, the poor quality frustrates me. Things I used to love, I seem to have fallen out of love for them.

Maybe it's depression.. or patheticness or whatever you want to call it. Whatever it may be, there's no one to deal with it but myself. It's true, nobody really gives a rat ass if you're  miserable. And if they do, I don't hear or see them. 

At the end of the day, it's always to say and think about all these beautiful quotes but to really live them? Now, that's a worthy challenge. But with the simplest thing I fail to even muster the strength to do, I can only pray and ask for divine intervention. 

When the day ends and the months lead to years, there is so much a person can do on their very own strength. And if we rely on our self, there will be a breaking point. It's just a matter of when. 

Despite my unfaithfulness, God is every faithful. Despite my questionings and whinging, God's still there, watching over me. I want what I want but I admit, I don't put the effort required to have it. And it's still an ongoing struggle to put my trust in Him, to continually walk and talk to Him. 

Maybe that's why, things happen. They happen for many reasons if not, just one. It's what we want to see and make of it and do about it. So, time to challenge myself and not be afraid to explore.