Thursday, October 20, 2011

The never ending list

I have been slacking. Wasting minutes, hours, days, weeks and months away. This isn't a new tune I am singing. Unfortunately, this seems to be the theme of my life for the past year. I said that I'll do something with my time, my life but I let time pass me by and with nothing to count for. And of course, I have no one to blame but myself.

People only see what they want to see and most of them see my FB pictures and conclude that I am having the ball of my life. Yeah sure, life doesn't stink. I get to stay home, do my own thing which to many constitutes, bumming. And looking back, yeah sure, I am bumming.

To digress for a bit, once again, regarding FB pictures, who would post sad and angry photos of themselves? I wouldn't. So, most people go on thinking their friends on FB are having a good time with life, work and what not because of all the happy pictures posted up on FB.

Back to the topic. Unfortunately, to every good, there is the bad, to every up, there is the down. I am happy I don't suffer from deadlines and work stress but I feel a sense of restlessness like there is more to life than what I am living right now. I feel as if my life is now kind of purposeless and the opposite of meaningful.

Yeah, money isn't everything but sad to say, with money, one can go far and do much. With money, I can go shopping, pursue some short courses that I am SO interested in. With money, I can help the underprivileged on a bigger scale.

But once again, money isn't everything and that aside, it still doesn't explain away my wasting time. Then again, Mr. C is of the opinion that I am my worst critic and that there is nothing wrong to enjoy my non-working life, doing nothing. After all, there is always a season; a time to do certain things at certain times.

I came back from Malaysia sick with cough that worsen and at the same time, being homesick didn't help my mental mind. I slept in almost every day till late afternoon, wake up and surf the net till Mr. C comes back. Then, I would hang out with him till the end of night and the routine just repeats itself the next day, the day after and the day after that.

Now, it's already October and I have less than two months to settle many things. For now, I have to focus on my wedding planning. When I didn't do anything about it for the past month, I wasn't free from worrying. I knew that I had a lot to do and doing nothing just added on the worrying.

I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I really didn't feel like doing anything. Aahh, such is the curse of giving in to one's feelings at times.

People offer their help but I can't help but wonder how many are really genuine. For some, when I actually do get around to asking for help, their help doesn't seem exactly forthcoming. And if I were to sense someone wasn't that interested to help, I wouldn't really pursue the matter with them despite feeling a tad disappointed. After all, I am taking you up on your offer of help but then, you don't seem that keen.

I thought that it is usually the brides that are overbearing and demanding, driving everyone else crazy with their diva attitudes but in my case, it really feels the opposite is true.

And this week, I told myself, once again (I know how I am prone to sinking into melancholy much to some people's annoyances) that I got to pull myself out of this black hole. Enough of pity parties. Enough of people who say they care but their actions show something else. Enough of expecting people to live up to their roles.

I am not perfect, I am not here to judge. I have a wedding to plan and execute. So, I'll do what I can and once again, learn to leave it in God's hands. This whole trusting God and relying on Him is still something foreign.

People keep asking me how's my wedding planning and I honestly don't know. I've not been to many weddings, never been involved in one so, I am rather clueless. I've stopped my research and been feeling sorry for myself. Feeling pathetic that I am planning this all myself. But like I said, enough is enough.

Time to cut to the chase and see the big picture. Wedding in less than two months. What hasn't been settled, what needs to be done, what is still outstanding, who would I need for what, all these thoughts have been cluttered in my mind but not translated to paper.

So, I sat down early in the week and wrote my things to do list and boy, the list sure is long. And I've yet to complete any.

It is not a matter of doing it and getting it out of the way. For example, the guest list. Earlier, some mentioned they couldn't make it, and now, they can. And I even had a weird ex-classmate telling me he couldn't make it because it was his birthday. OMG and LOL, at the same time. Now, he says he can make it and he kidded for me to prepare him a birthday cake. Seriously?! Come on.

Anyways, with less than a month till I go back to Malaysia, I have to do at least one to two items on my list. If everyday, I do at least one thing, then I am sure, the stress will lesson and I will get everything done and out of the way, eventually.

I do wonder if I am perhaps the only person feeling like that 'cos lots of brides keep telling me to enjoy the wedding planning process and I can't seem to. I can't wait for it to be over and done with. And I know the marriage is more important then the reception but come on, who wouldn't want a nice and memorable wedding ceremony?

Then again, this is a lazy bride's wish. LOL.

*fingers and toes crossed to completing my list* Which reminds me, I have to call and chase my mum on things she has to complete. OMG.


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