Thursday, September 9, 2010

Me, myself and I

From the moment we are born, we were given parents. Some parents leave but most of us have parents to watch over us and take care of us. Parents to guide us towards adulthood. However, no one is perfect and everyone is likely to be fallible to some degree and parents are no exception.

Some parents try to live their dreams through their children. Some parents think they know what is best for their children. Of course, when I become a parent one day, I would want the best for my child and primp them up to be the best that they can be or at least, to my definition of what I perceive is the best for them.

Parents often have the best intentions but perhaps, there are times, parents may want the best for us but THEIR definition of best might not exactly be what we need or what is best suited for us. And that is why, after years of sacrifice and being obedient, well, that is how I perceive things whether one may agree with it, I chose to do what I did.

Many would think that it was a rash move. Some said that if they were earning as much as I was, they would never have resigned, up and left. Ultimately, I did it for many reasons and one of them was that, for once, I had to do something for me. For self preservation. For once, I thought of myself and even then, to be honest, I did not make the sole decision just for my sake, I did it for someone else too.

On Saturday, I had a good cry. Not because I wanted to but it was definitely overdue. For me, coming home, I decided family comes first. Yes, even over friends. I forsake a friend in her moment of her need just to be with my family. Was it worth it? Somehow, I felt that perhaps, at that very moment, I should have been there with my friend instead. She probably would have appreciated my effort more.

People say that friends are family you can choose BUT how about, FAMILY are friends you cannot choose. And that how life is. There are friends out there that you never chose. Those friendship just happens.

After all that has been said and done, even coming back with the noblest intention to spend quality time with a certain people, I have discovered that I am only human. I, too can only withstand so much. She may not agree with me. She may feel that I am just enjoying life or whatever else that goes on in her mind these days.

But once again, I have to go on this journey not just for the sake of having fun but more so for self healing. When I do something, I do it out of love. Not because of any ulterior motives. I am too straight forward for that- a direct translation from Chinese way of saying that I am not manipulative. I wished with all my might that I can be cunning and sly but I just can't. Despite my flaws and imperfections, deception isn't something I execute very well.

I can't play the mind games anymore leading me towards needing a break. Time away to recoup. And when I come back, I will be ready once again to take on whatever that is dealt to me.


Kelvin said...

Why so emo, something happened?

Cheer up:)

goingkookies said...

Hehe...emo was weekend.. now only blogged about it on hindsight.. didn't know it'll come across as so emo =p