Hearts on sleeve

Picture taken from HERE.

Today, I wore my heart on my sleeve.

I wrote a long email to someone baring my heart and my soul. You see, something has been plaguing me for awhile now and last night, I couldn't seem to fall asleep and when I did, I had a few dreams. I dream of a certain part of my not-to-distant past which left me with no closure but a lot of unanswered questions.

If things had went differently, I might not be here today. But things didn't and here I am.

But that's not the point. You see, in order for me to move forward, I have to learn to let go this crucial part of me. This part of my past that actually affects and made the present me, me.

Out of this past - the many moments - I wished I had been more bold and had did many things differently. But I guess, the timing and circumstances just was never right. And perhaps, things just was never meant to be.

You know how you watch movies where Guy A likes Girl B but each was attached to their respective partners and neither ever made any move or said anything so it would seem that there was nothing more to the friendship. But in actual fact, they both actually liked each other all along. And talk about star crossed lovers, Juliet and Romeo takes the cake.

Or how about when a mother loses her child and tries to find him and they might have passed on the street but never knew that they were just within grasp. Or how a friend may have felt betrayed but it was never that but just a misunderstanding. Or how a friend might have stolen another friend's partner etc.

Well, all the above, it happened and ended the way it did because of timing, or fate, of misunderstandings and miscommunication. Because of that, things that might have happened, didn't.

I don't want to be the kind of person that misconstrues a line or an action. I don't want to take an instant and go poring over the rock, over and over, analysing things that very well might not even exist and hence, I wrote the email.

You called me your best friend and said that you didn't wanted to lose me but your actions were and are a far cry from that. And well, I wrote that email with the best of intentions and a means of moving forward. A step towards inner healing. I know that there is a possibility that I might not get a response and might lose a friend along the way but that's a price and a gamble I just have to take.

At the end of it, I deserve an answer. At the end of it, if I am worth it, we'll still be friends. If you're a friend, we'll still be friends. If you care for me, we'll still be friends.

And if we aren't, I'll know it's because you're a jerk and that you couldn't be bothered to do anything about it. But I hope you won't always be one and I still wish you all the best from the very bottom of my heart because I am me, because of you.

Sometimes, I do wish things might have taken a different course with no one getting hurt. I would have liked to know what could have been.

You know why? It's because I think, it would have been an interesting journey.