First time Gym, Part 1

My muscles are aching at the moment. You should have seen the instructor bouncing around the room and mind you, i don't think she's that young. Perhaps in her 40's or so?? Yeah yeah. I know i should be studying but somehow i can't seem to. I would wake up super late into the day and watch tv late into the evening and then, regret it, make resolutions for the next day but somehow...

Anyways, I wanted to blog on a lot of things but now, just no mood to blog anymore. I wish i knew what was the right route or that i would have guts to follow my heart. I guess, maybe in a way, i don't want to break her heart or disappoint her but it's sad that i don't have her support, too. I mean, does it not matter if i cry all the time? Perhaps not.

Oh well... nowadays i don't seem to have mood for anything. At least, last time, when i was down, i could blog.

Disappointments and crap

The week has passed me by so fast. It's already Friday! and what have i done to account for the week? Nothing. I haven't even completed a module and neither have i done my driving license, paid my saman, did anything with my hair, shopping, clean my room or even packed my goody bag to send to my bf!

I really did try to push myself to study but somehow, it's like there's a block. I sit and read a few lines and the words just become blurry and i have to re read the whole para or even the whole page again. Part of me is saying, screw it and yet the other half is saying i better get this done once and for all. On top of that, there's this niggling thought in my other parts of my brain thinking of after this study break. No one understands. Only my petbro gave me the answer that i need to hear or rather want to hear.

I don't have a solution. The easy way out is obvious but somehow my filial sense seems to be winning the fight for now. I thought you would understand what i m feeling and what i m going through but the words that you say just shows that you don't and i guess that hurts even more. Everyone's been really rallying for you and trying not to pressure you but do you even see it? Or do you just withdraw to your little cocoon? She asked you to just help her transfer stuff and you make such a bloody small thing sound so difficult to do. You're the one who recommended the Mac to begin with.

and on to other things, my mum kept forgetting to lock my car door after using it. Yesterday, some jerk rummage through the things in my car and took my coin pouch! i mean, at least it's not much but somehow i feel a bit insecure. It happened right outside my house while i was home and was oblivious to it! How do i not know if he is still lurking around?

What is wrong with all this stupid brainless scumbags? They prey on you, eye your stuff and take things that don't belong to them! and seriously once again, what is our pathetic excuse of a government doing? What is the policemen doing? Seriously, enough with all the childish, juvenile behaviors squabbling for control all the time! Utusan can publish the things they did without being arrested under ISA or for causing racial disharmony when the message posted on their news practically screams just that!!

alright. enough about politics and stupid brainless nitwits. It's back to pushing me to study. Sigh. I am actually not keen to go out tonight as i haven't been studying much and all but thinking for the sake of friendship, I said ok.

Wanted to ask you out for pasar malam ytd like the good ol days but never did. Perhaps i don't want to face being rejected. Oh well, all i know is i need some rescuing. Monday, i was happy. Maybe it was the first day of study break. or maybe it was just doing sth out of the ordinary. then again, maybe it was just the company.

This is not even the hungry ghost month and i m feeling oppresed already!

Will it get any easier?

oh shits!!!!

i typed a super LONG post. More like mindless rambling and it's all gone!!

Today just isn't my day. The happy me is M.I.A.

Gone. Kaputi!

I hope that my manager or my junior won't bother me tomorrow and i hope that i can finish module 1 & 2 and that i complete 1 or 2 other things.

I need answers to my questions.

If only i have the guts to take the plunge and be selfish for me.

Trying to understand what's holding me back.

Happy Birthday to Mr. Quack!!!

www.happinessinabite.com

HAPPY FEELINGS I've been super hyper/happy since ytd. Eventhough I had to go back to office to work and clear all my outstanding matters ytd, it didn't felt that bad as Monday begins my STUDY BREAK!!! whoooppiieee!!! and probably cos Moo and Cheesetaro was there too!

Moo said that i was different from my usual self. Then again, she kept calling me a slut when she was the one who couldn't keep her hands off me!! Or was it her saying me being bitchy?? hmmmm.. now who would believe that of 'lil innocent me, right?

HELPFUL COLLEAGUES Thankful and grateful that cheesetaro helped me with my cash flow and tax disclosure as i couldn't tie them! Seriously, this is like the second time that he's rescued me. I mean, to others, it might be a no-big-deal thing as they're smart and can solve their work.

However, humble and not-so-smart me super appreciates the effort as he was and probably still is swamp with his mountain load of work! We were stuck at cash flow for and hour ok! So, dinner treat sometime on me ya!!

EASTER SUNDAY I was practically bouncing around today and super happy or somewhat happier than i have been for the past few months. Even my sis gave me the you-have-gone-bonkers look!

Managed to go to church today though i don't know what exactly did it do for my soul. However, a pat on my back! I even went to church for Good Friday service on Friday. I was working until 7pm ish and told my manager that i had to rush off. After briefing him (as per his request although i said i had to rush off), i dashed home in my beloved Edward. But somehow, i didn't feel or get what i was looking for.

Anyways, back to today. I had lunch with my petbro after ages of not hanging out due to.. well, circumstances and disappointments cos he was being such a jerk but hey.. who's perfect right? (dun tell him i said that though... not that he reads this blog.. hehe.. not that he really reads either.. ok.. see what i mean?? i m becoming mean!!!)

anyhow, since we couldn't make it in time for movie we left 1u and headed to Brother's to get him some wipers and twitters. We had to wait for almost frigging 2 hours for the twitters to be installed!! And we kept cringing seeing the installer attempt to pry open his radio part as they had to connect the wire from the twitter to the radio, i think. Oh well, made it home feeling sooo exhausted cos of the humid air.

MINI BIRTHDAY SURPRISE!! I don't know what was it that compelled me to do whatever that i did.. maybe something about the way he mentioned earlier about reaching quarter of the century and did not seem too excited about it... i had a brilliant idea and went looking for doughnuts.. however, krispy kreme at niu che shui was closed and i raced off to ss2's starbucks.

you should have seen me and my sis in discussion as to what to get. i was asking her if she thought that i could fit all 25 candles onto the tiny marble cheesecake or onto a doughnut and me asking if i could smash it into his face.. but we finally settled on "zest" some yummilicious looking muffin!

Came back home, wrapped his present that i actually bought for him last year but never had the chance to give it to him, texted him to see if he was home and after waiting like forever, he replied that he was reaching home and that i could come over. i hurriedly took the muffin out and placed it in a box in a paperbad together with his present and drove over to his house. i lighted the 2 big candles and 5 tiny ones onto the muffin and text him to hurry out.

ON THE BIRTHDAY BOY How on earth could i have predicted that he would be such a snail in getting his posterior out of the house???!!! by the time he came out, 2 tiny candles had burnt into the muffin or rather sinked and i had to snuff them out before the muffin erupted in flames! i was too flustered to sing a bday song plus... he asked me to shoosh and no make so much sound! sheesh..

anyhows.. he made a wish. or was it many wishes?? and blew the candles. we chatted for a bit and here i m.. i ve never done sth like that before.. and it's a nice feeling to surprise someone! (i was inspired by gill as i remembered how she surprised me in 2006 for my bday while i was stressed out studying for my exams! she popped over to my house with a slice of cake but i don't think she litted it) you should have seen me panicking that the candles will drop or burn the paperbag!!

Well, he seemed "touched". I guess he's always been the one doing special stuff for his gfs and all and it is nice to have someone do sth special instead... even if it's someone who's not romantically interested in him!! then again, he has given me rather memorable birthday presents like patrick for my 16th bday!! my first perfume by ralph lauren during S.A.M. year. Birthday dinner at some Japanese restaurent near SJMC with their to-die-for softshell crab sushi!! Guess watch which probably was the most expensive present ever!! The Guess watch is a touching story on its own.

this year, all i did was.. appeared outside his house about 12am ish with a muffin and 7 candles (that melted to 2 big candles and 3tiny ones making it 23years old instead) and a man united "teddy bear" shirt from jonkers street!

he said that i m the best sis ever!! yes, i know i am but it's nice to be acknowledged! haha.... kidding!!

actually, it was more of me wanting to see him attempt to blow out 25 tiny candles off a doughnut! dunno why i thought it'll be funny but 7eleven's decided to thwart my plans by selling fat, white colour blackout candles and not the bday party ones!! it would have been funnier if i had managed to get my hands on those that you've to keep blowing but the fire keeps coming back on!

oh yeah, too bad i didn't have a camera. if not, there would have been some entertaining pics!

Bad name

"i know what junior 1 and junior 2 have in common...!!!"

"what is it??"

"they both go to the same church!"

This was about 2 juniors who have been giving their seniors a hard time in terms of how they go about their work also how they interact which basically boils down to their attitudes.

It's sad isn't it that instead of being ambassadors for God, one makes one the subject of mockery.

Then again, who am i to judge. After all, i myself, have not been going to church in awhile. A long while. Probably once or twice this year. This is bad. Maybe that's why my life is so unhappy or rather lacking or something.

When I was a child, every sunday without fail, i would go to church with my family. I used to love the bible stories told during sunday school even now, i wouldn't mind reading comic versions of abraham and isaac, noah's ark, soddom and gormorrah, tower of babel, how God created the earth in 7 days, joseph and egypt etc.

However, came adolescense period and somehow, i didn't feel like i fit in anymore. I mean, in fact, it was easier to mesh with my high school friends (who btw weren't christians) then in church where the whole clique thing was going on. Yes, i went to church for the service but not for the teens service. Guess, my level of faith is stunted at std6 which is sad isn't it and ppl think i m miss goody two shoes. miss holy. miss good christian when i m not! in fact, a far cry from it!

I want to make it my own faith but as you can see, i am making a muck out of it. or more like lack of going anything. No offense, but the speaker that speaks tend to be super dry that it fails to capture my attention or focus. and well, let's just say i m in need of saving...

perhaps i shall make extra effort to go this friday. if not for myself, but to at least remember that He died on the cross for me...

TOO much

i m feeling rather upset. today is the beginning of my study break and ytd, i worked til3am tidying up all my work and briefing my junior. today, my manager asked me to go in to work. but i told him i had fever and tummy pain and yet he asked if i could come in to clear stuff with him and partner as i m more familar and he's not too sure. seriously.

firstly, it's my study break. secondly, i m sick!! thirdly, i already briefed my jr. on everything that i know and i had already replied partner's queries and documented what i know. fourthly, i mean, he can just settle whatever it is just as easily by calling client or the other senior right? it's not to say that only i know whatever that is going on as i've been updating him everyday the progress!

and now.. tmr i have to go in cos he says that the partner has additional comments and want me to check with client. i mean if it's so urgent that no one else can do it but me, that's a different thing isn't it? i feel so mad. how to even start studying?

seriously, i do not recommend this field to well 80% of the ppl out there who plan to join audit. it wil suck you dry. mostly, you won't feel appreciated. you'll feel overworked. have no life. seriously!

and here i always thought they really won't call you back from study break. guess not.

Study break coutdown

2 more days till my study break!!

CAN'T WAIT! CAN'T WAIT!

But there's so much to do.

not just studying but i have to...

- clean my room

- clean my house

- do my driving license

- go shopping

- go for medical check up

- probably visit the dentist

- and other "secret" stuff

and you guys know me... study break ends up with me struggling to keep to my "study schedule" and getting distracted by everything else!

oh well.

at least, i'll be getting a break from you-know-where.

joyful joyful...

this is one of my all time favourite songs... however, this version is sung by the ACM Gospel Choir and man.. they did an absolute good job!! it was so good that my bulu also stand-ed listening to this version!!



Joyful, Joyful

Lord, we adore Thee

God of glory

Lord of love

Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee

Hail Thee as the sun above

Joyful, Joyful

Lord, we adore Thee

God of glory

Lord of love

Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee

Hail Thee as the sun above

Melt the clouds of sin, sin and sadness

Drive the dark of doubt away

Drive it away

Giver of immortal gladness

Fill us Fill us with the light of day

Light of day!

Come and join the chorus

The mighty, mighty chorus

Which the morning stars begun

The Father of love is reigning over us

Right away

What have you done for Him lately?

Ooh, ooh, ooh yeah

What have you done for Him lately?

He watches over everything

So we sing

Joyful, Joyful

Lord, we adore Thee

God of glory Lord of love

Giver of immortal gladness ( won't you)

Fill us ( Fill us with the light of day, Lord, fill us)

Fill us ( oh we need You, yes we do, fill us)

Fill us ( yeah..., oh, oh yeah)

Fill us ( with the light of day, Lord)....

Fill us with the light of day ( oh, yeah)Light of day!

When will it be my turn?

I am the below everyday....

pic taken from: www.cal.org/.../Health/healthindex.html

"are you ok??? you look pale"

" how are you feeling?"

" how is your cough? have you recovered?"

and of course... every girl's nightmare...

"wah!!! you look so chan!!! are you ok or not??"

People can say that because they can see. and they see with their eyes and not their mouth! can the higher level ppl see that? Instead of inquiring from the person concerned, they ask "other" people instead. What and where is the logic? Then again, if they had the logic or genuine concern, things won't really continue on being the way they are.

Just found out that my tablemate on the right is leaving for axxon and my other "tablemate" that sits opposite me left for good and in the mean time is going on her holiday trip. How awesome is that? super envy.

If only i had such option. If i had such luxury, i would have said "adieu" long time ago! Some ppl will say it's not wise to leave without securing another position. Then again, if one has no obligations etc, why put yourself in a spot.

It's like jumping from one shit hole to another.

Why not take the time to enjoy life. To take things easy. To perhaps, rediscover oneself. or anything!!!

praying for a miracle....

T.I.R.E.D

sigh. tired of coughing.
tired of having headaches and backaches.
then again, it offers me a mini reprieve from work.
however, work will pile on.
meaning that i'll have to put in extra hours to make up for it.

=(

trying to do some work.
but my head's spinning.
sigh. thinking of all the work i have to do just overwhelms me.

sobs. and missing u doesn't help things either.

Filtered

there is so much to say, so much to blog but as i sit here in my room typing this, words just fails me. few days back, i wanted to blog so much about office politics, the injustice, about the stupid idea to merge departments and how politics at my department itself was getting back but now with the so-called-intergration, politics just worsen. i wanted to blog about a certain someone or about how i hate work (which is probably nothing new) from day 1 and it's now approximately at least 1176 days since i ve started work and unfortunately, am still stuck here. i wanted to blog about how stupid our government can be or how stupid inconsiderate drivers are on the road and i hope they all die a horrendous death.

then again, who am i kidding? what is freedom of speech? i used to blog more openly. i may not specifically mention names or specific circumstances but at least, i blogged more freely. Now, i just blog superficially and about nothing of much importance. but then again, that's life isn't it? we're all so focused on the surface, the superficial. your bosses or managers only want to see the outcome. they don't give two hoots how you get it but they just want to see results.

we have so-called-debrief meetings where we air our grievances or rather our disgruntlements but at the end of it, we all know, it's all talk and no action. we waste our time on these meetings when we know that the managers nor partners will do anything about it at all! do they even give a damn??!!

this is malaysia for crying out loud. who cares about overworked staff? who cares if you work hard and long hours and don't claim OT or any other compensation? perhaps if you had certain "kulitfication" or a certain connection, u can get away with well... maybe anything! and now, they've decided not to promote ppl who are due for June promotion. Well, that's swell news for those ppl. oh well, then again, that's the "fairness" of working life.

now, if only we will stop bitching about it and actually do something. i mean, if EVERYONE in the department actually go on strike on Monday and not work at all. I am sure that will probably lead to an outcome somehow. We can also invite the press, after all, tv3 is just next door!! then again, the phobia would be we might get fired but do u really thing that that would be the case and leave others to well, pick up our work when they're already overworked themselves??

hmmm.....

A friend

i ve become someone i never saw myself to be.

lies become truths.

white and back blurs to grey.

i can't believe u replied me. i hope and yet i daren't hope.

hope that maybe things will change. that perhaps, u'll make up for those lost years.

i can't believe u remembered those years...

smashing lights, u breaking ur tooth. childlike escapades.

i thought u had forgotten them. that i didn't matter anymore.

after all, i was ur past.

do you remember after watching a bruce lee movie, we said we'll play imaginary boxing without actually punching (touching) each other but i accidentally punched u n u bled?

do u remember how u'll imitate movie characters n my mum will retell it to others?

or how we will write the names of our "puppy love" on a piece of paper and swap papers?

do u remember how u tore my bro's RM5 note cos u were pissed over sth?

or how he hid ur wallet or was it u, hiding his?

do you remember how we would play in the rain?

or make paper boats n run out in the rain to the big drain, letting our boats be swept away?

and i always wondered why did dogs bite u?

i wonder if things will change or will it remain the same between us.

whatever it may be, i m always here.

somehow, this is part of me.

being hurt and yet still being there.

maybe this is my calling. my purpose.

even when i feel like a spotlight or a third wheel.

i try to be understanding and still be there.

it's tough. that's life. perhaps i m a sucker for pain.

there are lots of ppl out there who just needs someone.

an ear, a shoulder, a hand, a friend.

and that's what i try to be..

a friend

life

if you keep telling yourself a lie; eventually it becomes a truth.

Missing you

I just got back from office. yup. at 3.15am. And yes, I went to work on a public holiday. And yes, i have to wake up by8am which would be in 4 hours time. However, while waiting for my hair to dry, I have to look through and prepare for my new client tomorrow.

It's just fantastic as I have to submit my work to my manager by Thursday meaning I only have tomorrow and Wednesday to complete my work. Sheesh. I have to work late but I can't claim OT due to my so-called-senior status. Ridiculous isn't it that at this level, we can't claim anymore OT as we're only supposed to review our juniors work and not work late. Such balderdashness.

Then again, who am I to complain when lots of other people can't even claim OT at all. Guess, I feel so because I need the OT hours as I have utilised my annual leaves for my upcoming study break in April. I hope I pass both papers this round as I won't have any leaves left and I am so sick of studying something that I feel is of no value to me. It just goes in and out. I don't know why I can't seem to absorb and even sometimes understand all this theories and technical stuff. I wished I could take my exams in the land down under but the last core paper is tough and well, I'll need to look for a study group to discuss the case study. Sigh.

Dread that I'll have to work late again tomorrow night.

It's generally hard as I still am missing you terribly.

My goodbyes

there are so many goodbyes to say..

Goodbye to 2008 yes.. i know that i m late in my faretheewells. However, it's always better late than never, right? Well, 2008 wasn't a year to shout about. i was seconded to JB in Jan-March. Visited the bf in July. my family bought a new house end year. Beyond that, it was a pretty uneventful year. Resolutions weren't kept and met. I am still in the same job. I still look the same. Think the same. Act the same. Then again, perhaps not.

and of course Goodbye to no.29. i miss no.29. I am not referring to the dust and the mess and the chaos but to the space, the familiarity and the memories there for the past 20 years. my childhood years. kindergarten, primary, secondary life. the 16th and 21st bday party and also the christmas parties held and so on and so forth.

i always knew i had to say Goodbye to my dear but knowing and saying goodbye doesn't seem to get any easier everytime we part. Neither does it spare me the sadness and the tears. Everything and wverywhere reminds me of you. When i watched a movie just now, it reminded me of you. When i went to Wah Sek Kai @ SS2 for dinner, it reminded me of you. Just looking at bolsty lying on my bed now, reminds me of you. And how i miss your smile. your hugs. your presence.

I guess it goes without saying that bidding goodbye seems to be a necessity and part and parcel of life.

With a goodbye comes a future "hello" and i hope i can say that "hello" to you sometime soon.

for now, I wish i could stop feeling miserable.. the hollow ache in my heart.. but it's hard and there's no one to turn to.