Friend or foe?

Sometimes it's rather hard to distinguish between truths and lies. For example, how do you know if what someone tells you is the truth and not a deception? How do you know if you can trust that person when you hear conflicting accounts of that person's testimony? How do you know if you can trust that person to safekeep your secrets and not blab? and how do you know you're not being used to suit that someone's purposes??!!

I feel a trickle of confusion in my mind hearing this from this person and hearing that from another person. I guess my discerning wisdom is a little wonky and off tangeant at the moment. I realised that I've been sucked into the real world.. the gossip world... the superficious world.

I don't know why I don't seem to defend a person's character when it's being defamed or disparaged or rather I feel unsure what to say. Somehow, with situations in my working life, the people I meet coupled with the way i handle my emotions and thoughts have changed me from a somewhat goody-two-shoe girl to perhaps a super mild wolfess in sheepskin.. or rather not such a goody miss holy. Of course, I don't backstab ppl or do nasty stuff or at least I don't do it intentionally... I HOPE!

Nowadays, I find it hard to distinguish between gossiping/backstabbing and just stating facts/venting ones frustration. And this itself is an indication of my state of mind in the christian faith meter. Yikes! Sometimes when someone tells you a scenario about so and so. You'll ask who is the person involved so that you can either avoid going through such similar situation with such person or just be more cautious around the said person. Then again, perhaps it's just the "gossipy" side in us that wants to know.

I guess what I am trying to say is... today, somehow, I started thinking on this and how I would like to try and curb this gossipy part of me. It's not going to be easy and there will be times where I will probably be a blur bimbo gossiping away when i should stop... but i want to start improving myself and be a better me.

These past few days, I have been doing my goal settings for my work whereby we're supposed to set out goals for development for self in terms of technical skills, personal skills and career. I realised that i have not been growing much as i had been dwelling on the wrong things instead of doing something about it proactively which inadvertently resulting in my current situation.

I have been feeling somewhat positive lately and I hope that when the going gets tough again, I will be able to sum up a little bit, even if just a tiniest bit of optimism so as not to disappoint and aggravate those who have been cheering me on such as lyn, my bf, my family and most importantly... myself.

My response to u, my friend =)

What on earth do you mean it's just a colloquial?? I, too need my own personal space to breathe, think, reflect or rather to mope and be depressed first. But of course, am working to change the depressed part! =)

You need the big & fat in order to have the petite & thin/slim. Just like there can't be a wrong without a right.

What in blazes are you talking about when you say about crying and not being an animal?? confused woman. Sometimes, it's just good to cry and let it out. After that emotional release, one will feel less upset and more focused. Crying doesn't make you weak. It makes you more of a human.

There are a few sayings on faith that i found on google.

"Faith makes all things possible and love makes all things easy."

"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're going to hold on to."

Hey!! Who says that i was referring to me being the groucher and griper? Pfft!! =p hehe. But anyways, am working away from that!

True about self- presentation laddering to success. If you look good, you will feel good. And when you feel good, somehow you'll make those around you feel good too!! However, you think everyone is so fortunate like Ting to have you gal pals to help with grooming?? =p Gotta start back on the shitting tea!! hehe. Trying something else first for now.

I, too am glad to have you as part of my journey in life. You're forever funny and amusing except when you call me meanie names!! and i will never forget how you made me feel part of any gang including yours! Can't wait for BKK!!!!

Build optimism??! Gee. Not everyone can be as determined and strong willed as you but of course that doesn't mean one can't or shouldn't attempt to do so. And if everytime i should fall, i will cry, pick myself up and continue on.

Wah... You need to learn patience from me??? Or do you mean someone else?? Me? PATIENCE?? yau moh??!!!

Hurting is equivalent to mental bleeding and it STILL hurts irregardless of whatever bleeding.

What 3000 glances in the past life to exchange for a chance to know one another??? I do treasure you that's why i try to keep in touch!! =p Thanks for being my friend too!

Love,

Flawed but still awesome!!

No longer me

Antisocial jane is no fun.

Big and fat is chubby and frumpy.

Crying silent tears.

Dejected and desolated at the way things are.

Everlasting memories for the good and the bad.

Faithful til the end?

Grouchy and griping does not make you a friend.

Hairy and horny gets you no where.

Initial perception maybe false impression.

Journeys are part and parcel of life.

Knight in shining armour is just a fanciful notion.

Life passes one by if one limits oneself.

Mopping and griping, wasted opportunities.

Never say never.

Optimism is the key if only one embraces it.

Patience is a virtue.

Queensland is where i want to be.

Revel in your imperfections.

Sleeping is just a form of escapism.

Truth is reality that hurts.

Utopia, a refuge i seek.

Vision leads to action.

Wisdom is knowing what to do next.

Xenophobia means a fear of strangers or foreigners.

Yearning is just a waste of energy and time.

Zealous with passion is better than none.

silly girl

odium pronounced as OH-dee-uhm

1. Intense hatred or dislike; loathing; abhorrence.
2. The state or fact of being intensely hated as the result of some despicable action.
3. Disgrace or discredit attaching to something hated or repugnant.

word of the day taken from http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday

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"Ohmygosh. Such a drag. I feel like going home. I wished i was home. Anywhere but here would suffice..." I glanced at my watch and to my dismay, it was only 9 in the morning!

I had two mini discussions with two somewhat important people and i hope God will show me, tell me, give me a dream, anything... anything just so i know what to do. Today, i feel somewhat light and happy especially as i left office before 6pm!! Went for a mini jog in the park with my sister and found out how free and callous Patches is in bestowing her affections. Frankly, I am appalled and am disgusted! She has definitely fallen from my good books and has earned my odium! No more walks in the parks for her without her leash! Bleh. Correction. NO more walks in the park for her. Ever. P-E-R-I-O-D!

Anyways, hope tomorrow will be another easy, light and happy day.

ps: Anyone interested in climbing mt KK??

Taare Zameen Par

After a LONG day out with the family looking at numerous tv tables, dressing tables, bookcases, shelves, shoe cupboards; long ones, tall ones, short ones, fat ones, reasonably priced ones, expensive ones, black to white to brown to OMG... from on LDP to Ikea... we came back home and watched Taare Zameen Par on Astro.

Yeah. my family watches indian movies. More like my mother. Ever since i started work, i hardly watch tv. More of watching series on my laptop ie boston legal, grey's anatomy, how i met your mother, monk etc. Anyways, it was a pretty good movie about a boy having dyslexia and how misunderstood he was. As children who have dyslexia, it's tough for them to read and spell. And the movie showed how 8 year old Ishaan, initially depicted as a naughty boy who was forever not doing his homework and is always disruptive in classes and getting into trouble which then led to his father sending him to a boarding school.

At the beginning, the teachers were also the same as at his previous school. Always scolding,punishing and humiliating him as he had problem reading and writing. It came to a point where he simply withdrew and sink into a perpetual state of fear and depression. However, the plot progressed with Ishaan improving with the help of a temporary art teacher who could relate to him as the art teacher himself had suffered from dyslexia!

The show ended with Ishaan winning the art competition held in the school among students and teachers and how touched and proud his parents were at his accomplishments!!

Basically, dyslexia is a language learning disorders that normally starts during childhood whereby the dyslexic can't write or spell correctly. They often are confused and jumble their words backwords or reversed ie dog becomes god or "b" is "d" or "w" could be a "m"!

www.mindorders.com

There are many famous people who suffered or used to suffer from dyslexia such as Walt Disney (Founder of disney cartoons), Thomas Addison (the inventor of lights), Albert Einstein, Actors and actresses such as Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Robbin Williams, Salma Hayek, Orlando Bloom, Keanu Reeves, Keira Knightley, Patrick Dempsey and even Richard Branson!! Well, i am not 100% how legit the info is but it was sourced from here. Even in the movie, they mentioned that abishek bachan, the famous bollywood actor also known as amitabachan's son and husband to aishwarya rai used to be dyslexic!

Despite such a start in life, at the end of it, they made something out of their lives. And this shows that anyone can be anything if they would just give wings to their dreams. Or at least try. Note to self. hehe.

ps: DARN IT! it's back work in 8 hours time! bummer. STAY P.O.S.I.T.I.V.E no matter what! or at least try...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

OMG!! OMG!!

I hate it when i've typed super LONG or meaningful posts and POOF... it's ALL gone!

So pekcik!! Pissed!!

Sigh. Basically, the main gist was HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Dear mummy,

Thank you for being a nurse, chauffeur, teacher, chef, discplinarian all these years and most importantly.. thank you for being a saint, patiently putting up with all my tempers and tantrums! Despite all the frustrations and misgivings, I LOVE YOU and trully appreciate everything that you've done although sometimes it may not be translated in my words or actions. Thank you.

Love, your youngest.

Believe

Stumbled upon this song few days ago on Josh Groban and Beyonce singing "Believe", a song from "Polar express" the Christmas animation. At first, i found the song's tune a little weird. However, this is the kind of song that just grows on you after listening to it a few times and you also start to notice certain parts of the lyrics that just jumps out at you.

"We were dreamers not so long ago. But one by one we all had to grow up."

And it's so true. Some of us get to live our dreams. Others just continue on dreaming and hope that one day, their dream will materialise. And others... well, they just stop dreaming.

And this the other part, "Believe in what you feel inside, And give your dreams the wings to fly. You have everything you need, If you just believe." is basically what the aptly named song is all about. Believe.

That's why, I am going to believe or at least believe in miracles and one of them is that i will pass BOTH my papers. I know it's probably a long shot. But, hey... you just never know. Moving on, i have to start believing in myself and i need to find wings for my dreams.

*HEHE*

Then again, i think i have to figure out which of my dreams i want to pursue first.

I had this theory if one could just win RM100 a day ie from Genting, 30days x RM100 = RM3k. Hence, no need work so strenously or one would be more free to pursue other stuff. I mean, it can't be that difficult to win just RM100 right?? Let's just say, that hypothesis has been tested and it's not that simple. Darn it!

Polar Express Soundtrack
Believe-Josh Groban

Children sleeping
Snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling
Like bells in the distance.

We were dreamers
Not so long ago.
But, one by one
We all had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away,
We find it all again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
There's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need
If you just believe.

Trains move quickly
To their journey's end.
Destinations
Are where we begin again.

Ships go sailing
Far across the sea.
Trusting starlight
To get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way,
We find ourselves again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
There's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need
If you just believe.

If you just believe
If you just believe
If you just believe
Just believe
Just believe

Fear, oh fear... where art thou?

I don't seem to fear for tomorrow's exam despite being NOT prepared. I used to fear or be anxious before every exam that i might fail and that will somewhat motivate me to mug harder a bit to ensure that it doesn't happen. Failing was NEVER an option. But ever since my first failing 2 years back, it's as if i don't care anymore. Or it feels, why bother? Last semester, i didn't care if i failed. Looking back, that was a really juvenile thinking. This semester, i just want to get it done over with but somehow i have a feeling that i might fail one or even BOTH papers.

Sigh.

It's all about mindset. Last time, i do it for the sake of doing it. Now, it is the same just that with the thinking that this is all so pointless. I don't even remember what i read. I don't even understand what i read at times. I don't use it in my work. So, why am i doing this??!! Perhaps if i have back that same feelings of fear before i failed, i wouldn't keep failing. Or if i can just get a right mindset.

I know. I know. You're just going to say,"Think positive. Dwell on good things."

Yada yada yada.... BUT for now...

Don't ask me to be positive. Don't ask me to say nice things. Don't say i expect too much from you or that i complain too much. So, what if i DO complain a lot? or expect you to do certain things? or am SUPER pessimistic?

If the "big leech" wasn't the way he is and if you guys followed the course in life that most of us do.. study, work, earn money and carry out your responsibilities, or at least, not think of yourselves and make excuses, things would be so much better. And I wouldn't be this bitter nor this angry nor this frustrated. I wouldn't feel this way that everything i do is to make up for you all not fulfilling your part.

My soul is weary. I am sinking. I can't do it anymore. Can you understand that? I know there are things to be positive about. To be grateful for. But i can't seem to see them right now. Can you understand that?

I need to move on, for now. I need to break away. I need to think of me for once. It's all about self preservation.

I have to do this, for me.

For a happier me.

Lyn d bimb aka ex- meanie... my hero-ine!!!

Image courtesy: http://sara.nomadlife.org

EXAMS... For those who are interested in how i did for my exam yesterday, basically -not good. I couldn't finish so many questions. I allocated roughly 30mins for each question with each question having 3 parts and in total there were 4 questions. However, i took 30 minutes just to complete one part of one question!! Hence, i didn't finish part c for all 4 questions and some part b's too... which doesn't bode too well for my potential passing grade.

Besides that, my hormones just have exceptionally GREAT timing. During the exam, i started experiencing back cramps, stomach cramps and leg cramps!! First days are the worst!! Felt like i was freezing in Melbourne winter on the streets without a stitch of clothing on! Even with Lyn (she wants to be known as Lyn d boobies though), the life saver's answers didn't help much! Poor thing. After all the effort that she had invested in her preparation, we were just thrown off track by the exam questions and how to modify our answers to fit the questions. So, here's hoping for a miracle to happen for both of us!!

Now, i have to start mugging for my next exam. As must as i like study break and being away from hellhole, studying dry, boring and USELESS stuff is rather tedious. Instead of wasting it on studies, i should utilise my leaves for HOLIDAYs!!!!

AFTER EXAMS... Anyways, after the miserable exam, we went to 1u to meet Lyn's friends, Ting and Poh. They're super sweet and sot. Sot as in koo koo, as in crazy, as in siao but in a nice and fun way. We headed to Full House at Niu Che Shui as Lyn wanted to experience the ambience. Lyn was livid cos her camera died on her just as we were taking pics of her outside the shop. And she was practically mentally strangling herself when we stepped into the interior. The shop basically has a lot of spots where you can take pics and camwhore. (Why does ppl call it camwhore btw? sounds so uncouth....)

LYN'S PALS... Finally met Winnie and her bf who's also a high school mate's cousin. This means, i have met the bkk trip kakis!! Which will only be Winnie, Ting, Lyn and me. Winnie is boisterous and cute with her antics. She and her bf are super cute together. On the other hand, Poh strikes me as poised, friendly and sweet. Somehow it's the way she carries herself. Very mature and hints of elegance. Ting appears to be the baby of the group. They look out FOR her and OVER her and AT her. Poking fun at her, too!

They're so cute, friendly and farnee k.... and definitely one LOUD group!! We were laughing really loudly over Poh's situation and the ppl from other tables kept glancing at us. But it didn't matter. Despite the conversation being in cantonese 90% of the time, i could roughly understand the gist of the jokes. And besides, Lyn, Poh and Winnie asked me every once in awhile if i understood what was being said. This display of consideration really warms the cockles of my heart.

And you know what??? I think BKK trip is going to be a blast!! Tis a pity that Poh will not be joining us. Lyn, feel free to make any plans to go anywhere, do anything and everything!! I seriously don't mind!! Am open for anything!! =) hehe. But of course nothing TOO extreme. Knowing your propensity of potential siaoness.

I now understand how you are always happy and positive. Well, for one thing, it's cause of your optimistic nature. However, i think it's also cause you have such great friends!! It's always a privilege to meet new friends and especially if they're warm, fun, friendly and crazy people!!

Last day

OMG OMG!!! TEST IS TMR!!!!

and i m not done!!

and i m tired...

and all i want to do know is SLEEP!!

but i CAN'T!!!

i left some of my answers at the Tropicana City starbucks and now have to rewrite some of them again!!!

AARGHH!!!!

LYN... Hope your answers help.. you will then be deemed my LIFE SAVER!!! hehe

Childhood memory

Was at Jaya One's Starbucks the whole afternoon coming up with stupid answers for the stupid case study. Anyhow. Was bored for awhile and resorted to kacauing my sister by:

1) Making buzzing sounds and motioning my hand all around her ears mimicking a real fly with super loud BZZZZ sounds to see her level of tolerance. She was not perturbed whatsoever.

2) Did the 2 finger walk up her left arm towards her left shoulder and once again. NO response.

Gosh. She was rather focused on her work. Or perhaps trying her best to ignore me, the fly.

hehe

3) Then, i saw her earlobe and used my second finger to flick her earlobe up and down just to kacau her. That didn't really work either.

This brought me back to once-upon-a-time when i was a small kid and i did the exact same thing to someone else.... my childhood friend!

He had super thick earlobes and we were told apparently that chinese belief is that it is a sign of his future... upcoming... perhaps soon-to-be properity!! And somehow, it tickled me to kacau him and play with his earlobes flicking them up and down much to his irritation. =p

Wonder if he still has thick earlobes.

ps: I can't wait for Lyn to email me her answers so i can compare hers and mine. Some places i am stuck and am wondering if they're right. Bummer. Got to complete them tonight and it's already 10pm and i am not even half way through!!!

pss: Trying to do my stupid e-tax filing but can't seem to find the link. Plus, i still can't seem to find ALL the receipts for ALL the books i bought last year that i have been saving up for this stupid, stupid occassion!! Guess, i'll just have to forgo the tax deduction. Bummer again.

PANIC ATTACK!!

OMG OMG!! For a moment i forgot how to spell panic.

Is it spelt with a "c"?? or a "k"?? or both???!!!!

Exams in 3 days time and i m far from ready. I shouldn have stayed home n moped n be depressed trying to force myself to study the first week. Instead, i should have gone out shopping, walking, anything and everything BUT besides trying to study. Now, 2 weeks have gone and what did i do????

DARN IT!!

Mistake no. 1 was that i didn't enjoyed myself for at least a week doing non-work/study related matters.

Mistake no. 2 was that i didn't zoom in straight to the case study as mentioned by others instead smart me tried to go through the modules and even then completed only half.

Mistake no. 3 was not going for the stupid stupid workshop! HUGE sigh.

Well, too late for regrets once again. Only thing is to plan for the next few days and make the best of it even if my heart's telling me that most likely, i m going to fail this stinking paper. Then again, i feel like throwing in the towel, say wth and just relax and defer the stinking paper... But you know what??? My human nature is hoping against ALL hope that i might just pass it after all!!

Should be studying now but feeling super bloated and full and OMG that time of the month is aroudn the corner! Of all timing!!! I should be studying but here i m blogging. Even ms lyn who started her study break later than me is ahead of me in her preparation. Bleh. She even got her bf to help her out!!! Cheat! =p hehe...

ok. back to studies... more like kill more brain cells analysing the case study.

anyhows.. FINGERs crossed!!! and toes too!!

Thanks, but NO THANKS!

thanks, but no thanks for the tears
the heartaches n pain
thanks, but no thanks for the oh-so-wonderful advises
and for the lovely thought that i should be slapped

thanks, but no thanks for the yelling
misunderstandings n lack of support
thanks, but no thanks for asking me every month, "where is it"
and for the lovely thought that i have no perseverance

thanks, but no thanks for thinking highly of me
for boasting n being proud of me
thanks, but no thanks for producing me
and for the lovely thought always that i m so damn rich

thanks, but no thanks for never being there for me
u, for acting childish n u, for being cranky n churlish
thanks, but no thanks for always hiding in your own world
and for the lovely thought that i can survive

thanks, but no thanks for EVERYTHING and for NOTHING!

Money is the root of all evil

I have rewarded myself today when i didn't even deserve it!
I was supposed to go through the case study
and also the pre-seen information
(case study which part of the exam questions will be based on)
but that i did not.

Sigh.
I reward myself reading novels.
Watching America's Next Top Model Cycle 12.
Cute and Chic Fo, i adore.
Her exotic, sultry look reminds me of Monica Belucci.

Fail to see the "model" quality in Natalie though
and what that the judges keep raving about.
She is pretty, no doubt about that
but seems to have this next-door-girl look.

And in every season,
you'll definitely have at least a person you'll detest.
A person who thinks so highly of herself.
A person who is so blinded by her high handed opinions of herself
that you just want to smack her silly.
For cycle 12, i would have to say that,
that person for me is Sandra who was finally booted in episode 6!
WHOOPPIEE!!

ok. it sounds mean
but she keeps going on and on
about how pretty she is
and how good she is
and what great photos she takes
when i don't see it at all!

ok. Enough about ANTM.

I was just thinking that
if i didn't have to contribute
a huge chunk of my salary every month,
i could so easily afford
a PS2, a camera and a hp
with just one month's salary
and have extra leftovers for monthly expenses!
But i guess not.

And this leads me to think,
why am i working so blardy hard for??!!
I mean, at the end of the day,
i don't feel as if i m benefitting from my "hardwork".
I do sth i hate so much
and i dun get to enjoy and reap the results of the effort!
Instead, i mope around,
always having to count
how much i have spent
and how much i have left
to spend and the things i want to get
but can't seem to get!

Does anyone ever say, "why don't you just take this one month pay and get sth you want for yourself??".
Well, wondering if ever that day will ever come.

And i think of all the colleagues/friends i know
who HARDLY contributes
or even give ANY portion of their pay to their parents!
The part is, sometimes,
their parents have their own money
and hence, don't need their childrens money.
But it's like so freaking unfair.

Their parents can afford to buy them
a car, a nice house, an education abroad
and even now when they're working
they get to keep all their money for themselves
to splurge or whatever not.

Where ppl like me
who don't come from a well off family
constantly feels like nothing ever comes easy.
And i may not be super poor and all
but i didn't get
a free house, a free car, a chance to study abroad
and now, instead of being able to pamper myself,
i have to give back to help out with family expenditure.

I am not complaining.
not complaining about having to give money back to my family.
but i am SO complaining about the part,
the part where i don't get to do what i want with my money.
I don't ever seem to get to pursue what i want. What i feel.
And i m going to be quarter of the century this year.
And i want more out of my life as it is right now.
I want so much more.

It's not fair that i have to slog waiting for you guys to rise up.
When will that ever be??!!
Are you guys being fair to me?
I am not the smartests, the brightest nor the fairest.
You guys are.

When will you find it in your heart to give me my chance at life?
I took accounting out of necessity.
I did audit out of necessity.
You guys got a chance at what you wanted to pursue.
When will you at least show me
the understanding i seek
and the guidance that i need?

Financial planning

Was tidying up my mailbox... going through all the unread emails.. mostly spams from my bf's quirky parents. hehe. They do send some rather interesting forwarded mails at times.. just like...

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.