Monday, May 4, 2009

Fear, oh fear... where art thou?

I don't seem to fear for tomorrow's exam despite being NOT prepared. I used to fear or be anxious before every exam that i might fail and that will somewhat motivate me to mug harder a bit to ensure that it doesn't happen. Failing was NEVER an option. But ever since my first failing 2 years back, it's as if i don't care anymore. Or it feels, why bother? Last semester, i didn't care if i failed. Looking back, that was a really juvenile thinking. This semester, i just want to get it done over with but somehow i have a feeling that i might fail one or even BOTH papers.


It's all about mindset. Last time, i do it for the sake of doing it. Now, it is the same just that with the thinking that this is all so pointless. I don't even remember what i read. I don't even understand what i read at times. I don't use it in my work. So, why am i doing this??!! Perhaps if i have back that same feelings of fear before i failed, i wouldn't keep failing. Or if i can just get a right mindset.

I know. I know. You're just going to say,"Think positive. Dwell on good things."

Yada yada yada.... BUT for now...

Don't ask me to be positive. Don't ask me to say nice things. Don't say i expect too much from you or that i complain too much. So, what if i DO complain a lot? or expect you to do certain things? or am SUPER pessimistic?

If the "big leech" wasn't the way he is and if you guys followed the course in life that most of us do.. study, work, earn money and carry out your responsibilities, or at least, not think of yourselves and make excuses, things would be so much better. And I wouldn't be this bitter nor this angry nor this frustrated. I wouldn't feel this way that everything i do is to make up for you all not fulfilling your part.

My soul is weary. I am sinking. I can't do it anymore. Can you understand that? I know there are things to be positive about. To be grateful for. But i can't seem to see them right now. Can you understand that?

I need to move on, for now. I need to break away. I need to think of me for once. It's all about self preservation.

I have to do this, for me.

For a happier me.

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