Friday, June 10, 2011

Home and away

I bought my air tickets home yesterday and am super EXCITED!!!




But Mr. C doesn't share the sentiment... going home is always a sore topic with him. It's as if I am not happy here, uncontented. I am happy with my life here with him but at the same time, home calls out to me.

And the fact that I keep referring to Malaysia as home when Melbourne should be home, rubs him raw.

How can I call this home when half the time I am pining for home, where my friends and family are at?

How can I call this home when half the time I have no one to chat with, to pour my heart out to, no one to go out with or call me out whenever I fancy?

How can I call this home when I am still familiarising myself with the roads, people and culture?

Or when I have to adapt to not being understood in the normal way I speak as people can't get what I say at times and I don't get what they say? Or when people honk on the road like the idiotic, impatient drivers that they are? Or stupid car salesmen that try to con you with their 'this is the best price' pitch when we all know it's just a sales gimmick? Or the pricks that just walked off 'cos they probably think we're some young fart with no earning power?

It's not that I don't chat and whine or go out with Mr. C. You know how guys are. Well, most guys. If your guy isn't the kind that I am about to talk about, then good for you. Otherwise, welcome to the club and you're not alone.

Guys or the majority, can't multi-task and they have a penchant to answer questions with ' I dunno' or they just stone when tired. Basically, after a day's work, Mr. C comes home and at times, don't feel like talking where else me - ever the energiser bunny who has the need to talk - will be excited that my playmate is home only to catch on that he isn't in the mood to play thus spoiling my happy mood.

I am not talking about kinky play in case you guys are getting the wrong message. Play as in chat, go for walks or just spend time together. In fact, of late, he has been pretty infatuated with his fire place that I feel at times, that I've been replaced. Yeah... by fire. You know what they say about boys and fire...

I do have friends here in Melbourne like I've mentioned before, but I meet them like once a month or every other week and besides, they are busy with their own lives. Who am I to intrude into their live? Just another friend... and it's the sorry truth.
Perhaps, in time, when I have a job and some purpose, I won't have the time nor energy to be homesick. Then again, home is home. Home will ALWAYS be home. You can't ask me to erase the past 25 years of my life. The only life I knew before coming here despite all it's down time, despite the mistakes and bad decisions made.

It's those experiences that makes me the me of today. Admittedly, my growth has been stunted and I think that is why I am so frustrated. I am dry, spiritually, mentally and what not. My social network is limited and my mind is rotting away.

I am still young and there is so much to do, to see, to explore but half the time is spent pining away. Sounds pathetic eh. Oh well, I seriously ain't as melancholic as I used to be but this past month, I've been pretty much homesick.

People say home is where the heart is but currently, my heart is conflicted. I love Mr. C and yet, I love my family and friends, too.

But it's alright, soon, I'll be home again. And once I've gotten my fill, I'll be ready to come back and find my placing here and make this my home. It's just a matter of time till I truly settle down and make this place my home.


Skwermy said...

I know how you feel....I have been in MN for almost 12 1/2 years and I still miss home (Malaysia). It gets better, and easier, but you will always feel a little out of place. But make it your own experience and don't let anyone tell you that you have to let go, and just do it at your own pace *HUGS*

goingkookies said...

Skwermy : where's MN? I knwo what you mean.. thanks for the hugs.. It doesn't feel as bad as when I first came here, that's for sure!

goingkookies said...

Skwermy : where's MN? I knwo what you mean.. thanks for the hugs.. It doesn't feel as bad as when I first came here, that's for sure!