Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Results will be out this Friday. I cringed at the very thought of it. It's like a battle within myself. I want to know the results and yet not.

Please don't ask me my results. If i pass, I'll let you know. If you see me being quiet and avoiding the subject, get the hint and LEAVE ME BE! =P

Naturally, I want to pass (at least) BOTH my papers and get it done over with. Although it's my final 2 papers for CPA, finally! But I have this little sense of doom that I will fail at least one. Stupid BSL (Business Strategy & Leadership)!! It's like, I want to have the hope of at least passing and yet I don't want to built such expectations as before only to have them be crushed.

You see. Some people are just born smart. If not, hardworking. Working their butts off to achieve excellent results. Problem is, I am neither.

Having not failed any subject in Uni years, it was a very big deal for me, failing 2 CPA papers in 2007. Firstly, like I said, it was my first failure since SAM years. Secondly, I failed 2 subjects at one go! Thirdly, I didn't wanted to do CPA in the first place. Fourthly, it costs a BOMB to resit the frigging papers and lastly, it really crippled me somewhat emotionally and mentally. I didn't tell anyone my results for more than a week and cried everyday. Well, almost everyday.

I was in shock when I first saw my results online. I couldn't believe it. I even emailed CPA Australia if they had a made a mistake! See, if I had played/went out the whole duration of my study break and not studied one bit, failing would have been understandable. if not predictable. However, that was not the case. Every time my bf's friends came over to his place, they would see me at his table studying and would attempt to cajole me from studying.

Failing made me feel as if I was a failure, an even bigger loser adding to my feelings of inferiority. I think that somehow sparked the beginning of my mini self destruction process that I can't explain here, for now. That is why, despite knowing that I didn't put my 100% in, I still hope a fool's hope, for that 1% possibility that I WILL pass. I know God can make it happen, if only it is part of His plans for me.

Things have been really crappy for me for quite some time and I am trying to work things out. On Sunday or was it Monday, I told myself that I have to confront those crappy feelings and find a solution to settle it. Thanks to someone's help and to a loving mother's prayer, I did managed to settle one thing that has been dragging for several weeks and another matter today.

So, here's to good news on friday!!!


I totally identify with you on the low morale, no confidence part. Why do you feel unappreciated? I totally appreciate your friendship and for you being you. For your sake, I hope you pass. Somehow, when it comes to you, I believe, things happens in your favour.

So, fingers crossed, go ber"diet" or be a vegetarian tomorrow and here's wishing you and me...

I don't think you can be a deliberately mean/bad person. How can you be with such an "angelic" face!! *hehe*

Pic taken from ms tofuskin beauty's blog

All you're doing is trying to console yourself for the bad thing that might happen.and then again... not necessarily bad.. but it's just typically you.

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