This is probably true. Have been reverting back to old ways of going back to bed after Mr. C goes to work. Of course, I go back to sleep with his full approval! LOL. But I tell myself I shouldn't. There is just so much I want to do and when I do get a job, I'll have even lesser times to do those things. Then again, it is kind of redundant when I don't do them now, when I have way more time than I'll ever have.
I really dislike it when I am in this mode. This down mode where anything can just bring you down. And all your weaknesses are just magnified. You think that your abilities and your qualifications don't match. It's like a chef excelling in carpentry but suck at cooking. Having to reassess oneself; the lack of confidence, the forgetfulness, the tough judgment on self.
Mr. C has said before that he has never seen anyone so hard on themselves ever. It is true that your worst enemy is your self; if you tell yourself that you can do anything, chances are, you believe it and do anything. But if you belittle yourself, how can others think the world of you when you think you are nothing?
So, the trick to solving any problems is the first step of accepting. With acceptance, accepting you have so and so problem or you need so and so help, the next step is easier, working the problem out. But if you don't accept or think there is a problem to begin with, then, there's nothing to work out despite the problem existing. Us, humans are very good with self-delusion.
Hence, I really do need to love myself more. Sometimes, I think God gave me Mr. C 'cos he really does love me as I am; the good and the bad. He loves me enough, and at times, enough to make up for the lack of love I have in myself. I claim that he is bias and rarely objective when it comes to me as he always regales others about my 'talents', my beauty and only he knows what else. And maybe I need such belief, such faith that I am that good. That I have something.
It's silly how our minds play tricks on ourself.
I want to scream and enjoy the ride. I want to seize the moment and savour every minute of everyday. I know that moping and stressing out is really pointless. But point aside, I still do. I hate being in this down mode and I try to pull myself out of it; sometimes, I succeed, others times, I don't.
Maybe I shouldn't be saying all this here, online, in cyberspace for the whole wide world to see. Who knows? Maybe my future employer will stumble upon this personal space and judge me unfavourably. But so what? I don't believe in writing an untruth in my resume just so to make myself look good. Heck, I might have something good but I won't think to put it in my resume 'cos I think myself that small most times.
We have so many people 'sprucing' up their resumes just to clinch an interview. Many expound their non-existant strengths and abilities just to try and seal the deal of getting the job. I admire their confidence and ability to bull shit on their feet but if I was an employer and get a staff like that who later on can't walk his talk, I'll be rather upset.
Just because people do it, doesn't mean I should. I gather it's really tough to stand on ones ground and hold on to whatever shred of integrity left. White lies are expected to be told 'cos it's the easier road and hey, everyone's doing it and it hurts nobody.
Like how many people would really tell their friends off when they deserve it? Most of the times, we just sugar coat things not wanting to offend or have a confrontation. But sometimes, some things really do need to be told. Problems and misunderstandings need to be hashed out. Is the friendship so fragile that it cannot withstand a telling off or two?
Then again, maybe it's just me and my issue with friendships. I'll walk a mile for a person but often than naught, most people won't. I am not a perfect person and I am not the world's nicest person. So, don't get me wrong. I just feel that if my friends are really friends, then when I am down, upset and worried, I should be able to go to them. I should be able to just blab how I feel and get affirmation or a telling off for being a whiny baby.
Something or anything... so why can't I? Why do I feel alone? That everyone's off to their own rat race, slaying their own dragons in their own world? Why can't we all slay our dragons together, or have each others backs? To shield one another from danger and the fiery breaths from the dragon?
If having PMS moments (before and after Aunt Irma's visit) aren't bad enough, I don't need trips down memory lane especially when it leads back to you. 'Cos it leads no where. You can't have a conversation with someone who doesn't appear to be a willing conversationalist. I can't be trying to read your mind and what's going on when all I get is silence. And the silence gets to me.
I am your friend but I have my down times, my moments. And when I have these moments, I don't need this games you play. Maybe you don't realise the spot you put me in, maybe you feel the same as I do. Whatever it is, I don't like you invading my space especially places where you no longer belong.
Right now, I need a friend and it would be nice to have one that just understands me, that'll surprise a smile out of me or something. But you know what? This is an age long situation that I've yet to discover the answer and why it haunts me.
Perhaps, a lesson to be learnt from the Almighty One?
Just because I smile, it doesn't mean I am ok. Pull of the band aid and you'll see I still have the wounds. If not the wounds, then the scars. Tomorrow, I might be feeling better and less sorry for myself.
But today, today is a different story and perhaps what I really needed was a Wake Up Wednesday.