Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The BIG questions in life

The funny thing is when one tells a lie, people tend to believe it. But when a truth is told, no one does.


I think I shouldn't think too much about it and place too much hope on it. I should just take it or move on if it's not something to my heart's desire. Decisions made now that will definitely alter my course in life. I wonder if, for the better or for the worse. What I will give to be young and innocent again.

Is it so wrong to want something so different from what one has been experiencing? And is it so wrong to do something that you were brought up to believe is wrong and yet it feels so right? Is it so wrong to want to have nice things in life without being called materialistic?

I've been brought up a Christian ALL my life. Hence, there is a higher moral standard that we have to adhere to or rather, should adhere to ie no swearing, no smoking, no sex before marriage and etc. And because of these values that I've been brought up with, I never used to say words like 'shit' or 'damn' or 'hell' or OMG.

Thus, being labeled as a "Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes" or "Miss Holy", which I am NOT! and if I ever made any of you guys ever feel that I am better than you, than, my thousand apologies. I really disliked those labels as I never believe that of myself. I never think highly of myself in those regards as if I am better than others. After all, I am human and I do sin, too not even metioning my countless flaws and loads of imperfections.

As a child, it was easier to have childlike faith when things were simple and still had it's black and white. As I grow up through the adolescence period, it wasn't church people that were there for me but my non Christian friends. Sad to say. And now, in the working world, I think ALL my illusions have been shattered. There are NO longer any black or white areas but plenty of grey areas. Sometimes, people who call themselves your friends, just don't act like one.

We know that stealing is wrong. But there are those who steal in desperation to feed their family or other worse scenarios. In the obviously black and white world, stealing is wrong! No matter what the reason is. However, in the grey world, one can try to justify and say that the person had NO other choice. Maybe that person just had a bucketful of bad luck and somehow just couldn't find a decent job or well, any money at all thus, resorting to stealing.

I really wonder back to ALL those years. Was He ever real? It's not to say that I shun him or turn my back at Him. Somehow, I know He is there. There is a God. but my question is... where is MY God? As a child, I was 100% sure that I would go to heaven if I ever died. Now, it's a whole lot of different opinion.

Many of us change through time. Some for the better, and some for the worse. We either follow the designated route or we either chose a totally different path set out for us. Sometimes, I feel it will make my life so much more clearer if God just told me what was my path. Yes, there is a possibility that I might not like it. At least, I would KNOW instead of wondering and blundering my way through life.

Time is of essence. I am not growing younger especially that I will be quarter of a century this year. There are SO many things I want to do and that I haven't done. But to do things require time and money. In my line of work, money you'll get but time is limited. Even then, my pay goes to home finances.

I so enjoy going back at 5.30pm EVERYDAY. Coming home, I can surf the net, spend time with my family or go out yam cha with friends, read my novels and just take pleasures in the little things life has to offer. That's why working hours is important.

Besides that, work situation is starting to grate my nerves. Asking me to explain countless times on certain scenarios and to manegement 1, 2, 3 etc and sometimes, that particular thing I am aksed about is not something within my control either. It's to do with upper management.

For example, we have to charge our hours to a particular code ie if you're working on a client, then you charge to that client code. However, if you're unallocated, then you charge to this code, for simplicity sake, I'll just say Code A. And that's what I did as my client wasn't ready for me to come in.

Now, I have to go explain to the lady boss why I charge those hours when, last week itself, I had already gotten a sign off from the male boss AFTER explaining to him WHY I hade so many Code A hours.

What is their problem? In my 3 years plus working experience, this is my first time that I had to get such a thing signed off! I am tired of repeating myself. Of being a broiken record. In fact, it doesn't even appear as if they communicate within themselves.

Before the merger, it was understood that we do have off peak period. Meaning, we were somewhat free as there were no clients to go to. Hence, no jobs to charge to but Code A. My initial department before the merger has really faded away. The culture has changed for the worst. It's no wonder many are resigning even without a job! Especially those with no financial obligation.

There are many things weighing on my shoulders that I think majority of people don't. Sometimes, I really want to say it ALL out but it just isn't right to air ones dirty laundry. Hence, nowadays, I try to make do the best I can with the situation at hand on the good days. On the bad days, I just drown in my sorrows and sufferings... all by myself.


soolynnie said...

*hug* Essy!

Now, I dont get u. hahaha. u detest being labelled 'Ms Goody 2 shoes' but then why the reaction when I tagged ur 'hole'!?!? I love you. Knew you'd b furious wahahaha. but admit it, u did laugh RIGHT?!? RIGHT?!!?

goingkookies said...

of course la..

no.1 - I am NOT a goody two shoe.. I am also quite noti wat.. ask my family.

No.2 - of course my aggravated reaction.. u tagged my "hole"!! HELLO??!!!

no.3- I love you too!! when you're not being a meanie!1 yea!! 3rd person today to say that to me.

No.4- Pissed. Paused. Smiled. cos that's SO you.

zewt said...

if working hours are important, how can you be working in where you are now? :P

the path from having child-like faith to where you are now and maybe later, to where i am now, is one all christians should go through... i think.

goingkookies said...

Haha.. That's why I am leaving! =p
And sometimes, we can't always do what we want to do. I sticked through it for certain reasons but now self preservation comes first!

So, where are you now?? hmmm.. sounds like you're a christian..??